Broken
by Rainbows28
Summary: Life can be cruel and full of pain. Sometimes so much that you start thinking: What the hell is the point? Well, everything happens for a reason, and while that reason can be so out there that it seems non-existent, there is one. The love you receive from family, friends, and soulmates is the reason in this story. All Human. AU
1. Chapter 1

Red lights and flashing signs. Buffy Summers was pretty sure that's what her life had come to. He'd lost it. Finally. After the years of punches and awful words, he'd. Finally. Lost. It. Blood smeared on her cheek, matting her long golden blonde hair to the right side of her face. Her mother. Her sister. Her brother. Her father. They were all dead. She was alone.

Not that she had much company before tonight, but she was completely and utterly alone. She pulled the blanket tighter around her. Cops all around ignored the fourteen year old girl, trying not to cry. Other's glanced in pity. Detective Rayne walked over to her. "Ms. Summers?" Buffy looked up at the sound of her name.

"I'm Detective Rayne. Please come with me." She slid from her place on the ambulance and dropped the blanket, walking with him. Her eyes watched the ground as it passed under her feet. She looked up at the sound of a curse, something she signaled out in the talkative crowd. The coroner wobbled on the steps as they tried to situate the gurney with a filled body bag on top.

They must not have zipped up the black plastic all of the way, because as they settled the device an arm fell from it. Like some staged movie move. Buffy was frozen in her spot the whole time as she watched the small, slim arm hang over. Almost mocking . . . this. Was. All. Your. Fault. It said to her. Buffy immediately knew who the arm belonged to. Or had belonged to. The slim fingers painted in a bright pink. Dawn.

A choked noise made its way up her throat as tears pooled in her eyes. The way they treated the body. It wasn't cruel in reality, but to Buffy it was. They just pushed the damn thing. The gurney wobbled as the woman wobbled again, something in Buffy snapped. "What the fuck is the matter with you?!" She yelled, silencing the entire crowd and stilling Rayne in his spot. The woman looked up, eyes widening.

"She's ten! She's dead and you are having trouble walking! You little bitch!" Buffy moved to grab her, but a large arm flung her back.

"This is your fault!" She yelled, but she was no longer talking to the poor coroner woman doing her job. She was yelling at another gurney, one where the bag hadn't been zipped. It held the body of her mother. The cold, dead, lifeless body of her mother.

She elbowed the detective in the neck and he whipped back as she ran, her hands slamming the gurney over, "It's your fault!" She sobbed as she body rolled, landing in an awkward position, everyone around was silent, but Buffy's head was pounding.

"It's your fucking fault! You are such a coward! You stayed!" She was screaming at the top of her lungs now. "You did this!" She slowly dropped to the ground as she sobbed in hopeless gasps, tears soaked her face and she clutched her hair, screaming. She vaguely felt a hand gently push her down, trying to keep her calm. A loud male's voice sounded around, but was muffled as he yelled orders to get the bodies out of here.

Buffy couldn't hear anything, but she knew she was screaming. Felt it in her throat. Her stomach. Her very soul. She was screaming after fourteen years of silence. Finally crying out. Finally admitting everything. All the pain and the horror. Her screams lasted until people were running around to just get everything up and get gone. Her screams were painful to listeners. A damning noise that cut through even the coldest of hearts.

Ethan Rayne, finally realizing that she wasn't stopping. Wasn't capable of stopping, lifted her into his arms. He moved quickly jogging to his truck. "Rayne!" His partner called, "Get it done!" Rayne called back, only. Knowing Walker would know what he meant. The sobbing girl in his arms cut to him deeper than anything in his entire career had ever gotten to him.

He set her deliriously crying body into the passenger seat of his car, carefully buckling her in. He moved and got into his car. Pulling out, he glanced over at Buffy when the crying had finally stopped, her wide eyes stared at . . . nothing. They weren't focused on any one thing. If it weren't for the shuddering intakes of breath or the natural tan color in her skin, he'd think her dead.

He pulled over onto the side of the road and sprinted over to her. Unbuckling her and gripping her upper arms, they were about two miles from the hospital on an abandoned strip of road, surrounded by empty fields on either side. "Buffy." He says shaking her and she continued to just stare, not listening. Not doing anything.

"Listen to me." He growled sternly.

"Listen, I get it. You understand? I understand the _need_ to give up. To just get lost in yourself. It's easy and very, very tempting. No more pain, no more memories. I understand how fucking tempting that is, but you cannot do it. You have to fight, because if you don't fight. He will have won. Fight for me, sweetheart. I'll help you, but I need you to fight. Just a little a longer, please." Her eyes were on him and something cut into him.

They were a brilliant emerald green. Wide and way too knowledgeable. He didn't think this girl had any naivety left in the world. They were perhaps the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen, too and for some reason a quote popped into his head.

 _A beautiful girl with gorgeous eyes; a hidden world of hurt and lies._

Ethan then made a promise to himself. He was going to do everything in this power to help this broken little girl in his arms, this girl who has already seen to many horrors in the world. "Please, Buffy. Talk to me." his eyes were begging and something snapped in Buffy.

This man in front of her was right. If she climbed into herself like she wanted to more than anything. Then he would win and she couldn't let him win. So she opened herself. Her mind, her heart, and her soul. The pain was deafening. It had her releasing a silent sob that shook her entire being. She inhaled releasing another broken noise.

"Okay." She breathed and Ethan nodded quickly allowing her to settle back into her chair. He closed her door and got back into his car. She sat up, soft sobs coming from her body, they were broken and harsh; they hurt him. He continued to the hospital and didn't bother parking.

He was out of his car and to the other side before she could move. He opened her door and held out his hand. She stared down at it with moist eyes. She didn't take it though, she just slid out and wobbled on her feet, holding out her hand, in a signal to prevent him from touching her.

They walked two feet apart from each other through the sanitized white halls of the hospital. "Yeah, Detective Ethan Rayne, I need to see Dr. Chang." The nurse nodded and immediately called for the doctor. It was a woman, surprising the hell out of Buffy, but relieving her. Dr. Beatrice Chang took her back into a room, after she showered, she was given never-ending tests. Blood work. Ex-rays. Physical examinations. After all was said in done. Buffy was so exhausted and drained that she drifted from the world the minute her eyes closed.

"B, what's up? C'mon don't leave anything out." Ethan says, his hands on his hips as he pushed from the wall outside of Buffy's room. Beatrice looked drained and upset.

"God Ethan, that girl, she's only fourteen? For fucks sake." She women ran her hands over her head and face before her eyes settle back on Ethan.

"Her ribs are bruised, her leg is displaced. I have to reset a total of fifteen bones. She has past trauma, I've been looking at her medical records and I'm flabbergasted that child services hadn't ever been called in. I mean, Ethan listen to these. Two broken collar bones. She has past trauma with bruises and four concussions by the age of twelve. There is lists of things. In her entire fourteen years, she's had a total of sixty-seven stitches. This is bullshit." Beatrice paced through her rant.

Ethan turned and found his fist connecting with wall. "You would not have believed that crime scene B. It's . . . without a doubt one of the worst I've ever walked in on." Ethan shook his head.

"Ethan who do I make these bills out to? Huh? Does she have any other relatives?" She asked, hopefully. Ethan chewed on his lip.

"No, while you were in there with her I got a call from Walker. She's alone, orphaned and alone. I had him hold back on setting her up in foster care." Beatrice raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, why is that?" She asked and he shrugged giving her a glance.

"Well . . . look just send the bills to me." He stated quickly. She looked at him, "Fine."

She turned to leave, but stilled and faced him. "Ethan, she's a teenager, a broken one at that with psychological trauma and everything else to worry about, if you are planning to do what I think you are planning to do, are you truly ready for it?"

"Yes." He said without hesitation. He missed her adoring eyes as she watched him. Before leaving she mentioned again, "You can't save all the victims, Rayne."

"I know that, Doctor. But that girl in there, she's not a victim." Beatrice blinked and then glanced to the side.

"Really, then what is she?" Ethan smirked staring into her dark room, his mind already made up.

"She's a survivor, baby."

* * *

 **Author's Note: Survivor, indeed. Alright, so what did you all think? Feedback is needed, appreciated, and oh so wanted. Do you want more? Was is blah? Anything?! This is an Angel and Buffy fanfic all the way. No cheating. No pregnancies. There will be Riley bashing, because I, well, hate his guts. Hope you enjoyed! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

_Three years later ~_

"So, what are you feelings on moving?" Dr. Kate asked. Buffy sat on the comfy grey couch with an iced coffee in her hands and her legs tucked under butt. She shrugged and looked at her therapist. "I don't know. Anxious. That's a definite. I'm happy that Beatrice has this new job and that Ethan finally proposed, but . . . you know me and change, Kate, we don't mix." Kate wrote something down.

"Buffy, you may not like the occurrence of change, but I think you are very well able to come through it."

"Oh? Why is that?" Buffy asked taking a sip of coffee. Dr. Kate smirked re-crossing her legs.

"You came to me three years ago with an I-Don't-Give-A-Shit attitude and look at you now. You cut your hair, you got rid of the make-up. You _smile_ , you are without a doubt the best and most determined patient recovery that I've ever had."

"Yes, except for the insomnia. The nightmares, the panic attacks, the skipping meals, and the ability to close in on myself without talking for days. Recovery medal anyone?!" She asked holding up her coffee, Kate made a noise through her nose.

"It's a working process. Have you been taking the anti-depressants?" Kate asked casually, writing on her notepad.

Buffy always wondered if she was actually writing something down or just doodling. Shrugging, she answered, "Sure, kind of. I skip a couple sometimes."

"Why?"

"Because they make me hyper." She mumbled.

Kate looks up from her paper and nods, "Like 'jumping off the walls' or 'you can't sleep' hyper?"

"Both, I'm so perky all of the time and I hate that I can't get that feeling without cramming two green pills down my throat. Besides, taking them every day makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. Like I'm crazy."

"The fact that you feel that way means you aren't crazy. People that are legitimately crazy don't think they're crazy, they think they're right." Both were silent.

"Have you thought about what we talked about last session?"

"How I'm a bitch?" Buffy countered and Kate gave her a look.

"No, the 'I love yous.' That you haven't been saying to Ethan or Beatrice, not that this is bad, or like you need to say it to them, but you've told me you love them both and are afraid to say it. I asked you to think about why, now have you figured that out?" Kate asked and Buffy took a long sip of her drink, before looking back into the blue eyes of a woman that has become part of her three people life line.

"Yes."

"Why?"

Buffy shrugged, not saying anything as she stared at the ground. Kate let it go, for now. "Alright, now these meetings are required by law until you're eighteen in one year, so the schedule will be every other Saturday. Starting, not next Saturday, but the next, understand?" Kate asked and Buffy nodded.

"I want you to try and put yourself out there. Don't strain or put too much pressure on yourself, but try and make friends. Perhaps even a boyfriend?" Buffy gave the woman one of her steely glares. Kate ignored the slight shudder of fear that went down her spine. God, this girl had the 'fuck you' glare down to a science.

"Or not, but you are a very pretty girl Buffy."

"Sure." Buffy grumbled picking at her straw.

"Anyways, just try. Alright. That's time for today." Kate said and stood. Buffy slowly unfolded herself from the couch and stood also. She slipped hers shoes on.

"See you in two weeks, Kate." Buffy said walking to the door.

"Buffy." She stilled and looked back.

"Happy Birthday."

"Thanks." Buffy walked from the office without another word.

She saw Beatrice standing in the lobby of the clean and gorgeously structured building. Beatrice was tall and slim with nearly waist length black hair and brilliant brown eyes that always seemed to smile at everyone, even those that don't deserve it.

She was kind and gentle. Buffy had been distant of her at first, but slowly started to warm to her after Beatrice took an interest in the same movies Buffy liked. They were both tear jerker fans. That only had Buffy opening the floodgates. She loved Tris, and she was hesitant and pissed off that she couldn't tell her.

Then, Ethan appeared complaining about how there was smelly soap in the bathroom. Buffy smirked. It had taken Buffy a really, really long time to open up to Ethan. In fact she hadn't started to fully trust him until about eighteen months ago when she witnessed him protecting a woman and children from an abusive father.

He'd been so brave and kind that she couldn't not like him. Of course she loved him the minute he adopted her. She cussed him out, threw things, kept him up at night, with her nightmares; and he still kept her. Asking for nothing in return. He never laid a hand on her and he never called her names or kicked her down.

She loved them both. In fact every ounce of her being wished they were her parents. Well, they kind of were. "Birthday girl! Ha she's seventeen again." Buffy raised an eyebrow.

"I've never been seventeen before, Ethan." Buffy states. He nodded, shrugging.

"I know, movie reference." Buffy tried not to laugh, she really, really did, but his face looked so much like an innocent gerbil as he said it, that she just erupted, leaning against the wall.

"So dinner? Ideas?" Beatrice asked coming to stand next to Ethan with her own amused smirk.

"Honestly? Let's just go ahead and get going to Sunnydale." She suggested and both stared at her like she had grown a second head.

"But we were going to go tomorrow, after your birthday." Ethan said and Buffy nods, shrugging.

"Yeah, but a car ride with music, books and really unhealthy shit from fast food places, sounds heavenly right now." She said and immediately Ethan was on board while Beatrice gave him a look.

"But I-." she was cut off by Buffy's puppy dog look. Oh yes, she had that mastered with these two.

"Oh, c'mon B, she wants greasy shit, the house is packed so is the car. I don't feel like sleeping on wood, let's do a mini road trip and gain thirty pounds." He suggested with a wink. Buffy bounced excited, nodding quickly.

Ethan and Buffy shared a love for unhealthy foods and running. Buffy didn't sleep and she found that running got her attention off of everything. So she was up with Ethan at six and they ran five miles together, every morning. That was also a bonding moment between them.

"Fine. I'm out voted." Tris gave in and Buffy grinned wrapping an arm around Tris' shoulders, "It'll be _so_ much fun."

They all chuckled walking back through the garage and to their car.


	3. Chapter 3

The ride was uneventful and long. But Buffy loved car rides and she actually caught up on two years of not sleeping. Actually, it was just three hours. She was surprised as she sleepily stared at the clock. "Hey, green, you good?" Ethan asked her gently and Beatrice slept soundly.

"Yeah." She whispered softly.

"What is it about cars that help you sleep?" He asked softly and she bit her bottom lip. "When I was little. My mom used to take us driving when my father came home. She'd drive around for hours on the nights she couldn't deal with it. They're just happy memories of Spike telling Dawn and I about magic and true love." She smiled sadly as she stared down at the center consol.

Ethan jaw grinded. He didn't like her mom. Never met the woman, but Buffy would sometimes eavesdrop on him and Beatrice. He resented and blamed her mother for Buffy's upbringing and cursed her father's name to hell. Just like her.

When she woke up again, the sun was rising and Ethan was pulling into the driveway. The house was two stories and large. Beautifully built with a white picket fence. Well she made that up. She opened the door and held onto the sides, bending over as nausea hits her.

When she looked up she noticed a guy walking down the street. Wearing a pair of grey sweats and a pair of black sneakers. He was tall even from a distance, well over six feet with a cut lean chest and thick masculine shoulders. His abs rolled as he moved and his hands clenched in and out of fists.

His hair was cropped in a casual style, black and was slightly spiked on the top. His jaw line could cut glass and his nose was straight, she noticed his eyes slowly trailing up her body. She regretted wearing the damn leggings and formfitting tank top that gave an excellent view of her cleavage and a pretty deep one right now as she leaned over. Well, that was until his eyes met hers.

Chocolate brown. She cleared her throat and swallowed. "Oh shit." Looking over she noticed Ethan wobbling with boxes and another curse as the boxes came down. They were going to hit her, this was going to hurt. She closed her eyes and waited for impact, she heard a grunt, but it wasn't hers and although it was masculine. It enticed a warm fuzzy feeling in her belly that Ethan's never had.

She opened her eyes and was met with tanned skin. She was nodding slowly, what guy had a smooth, clear back? This was weird. She wanted to touch it. That was bad. Really. Really. Bad.

"There you go." Oh. My. God. What was with that voice? Huh? Smooth like honey and masculine. He should do books on tape. Yes. She may actually read then or, well, listen. Yes, she would listen and perhaps masturbate. "Thank you." Ethan said nodding.

"No problem. Are you all the reason for the moving truck last week?" He asked chuckling slightly, yes; that would be needed in the book reading. She had lost it. Tis was inevitable, but she's lost it.

"Yes that would be us, you a neighbor?" Ethan asked glancing at Beatrice's door. Yeah, she was the one for social gatherings, he, like Buffy, liked to stand off in the corner and wait. Preferably drinking alcohol.

"Yeah, right next door."

"Like as in the house right there?" Buffy found herself asking and he looked at her, he was a head taller than her and that never happens. She was five foot seven for fucks sake. "Yes it is Jade." He says and she scowls.

"Then go to it." She snaps and Beatrice seemed to slam out of the car, "Hi!" She said, her bra was slightly exposed, not a bad way, but, "Is that my bra?" Buffy asked confused.

"Yeah you're the only girl I know that's my size and it was cute." She winks and holds out her hand.

"Hi, I'm Beatrice. Buffy's-."

"Mom." I cut her off and she blinks, but says nothing, "He was just leaving."

"No, just leaving would be really rude, almost as rude as not introducing myself." He states, hands in his pockets.

"You're a douche." She nearly snapped.

"You don't even know me." He says a slow smile spreading across his perfect lips.

"No, but you stand like a douche."

"And how does a douche stand?" He asks obviously trying to suppress a grin.

"Go away, right now." She growled and Ethan was about to say something, but the boy nodded, "You got it, princess." He turned and walked away. She blinked as she stared at his back.

There was a tattoo on his shoulder blade. A bird or something. With an A attached to the foot. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and watches as he turns heading into his house. "Oh god." She whispers. Covering her face.

"How bitchy? Like seriously, how much?" She asked glancing between the two of them. Beatrice still looked in shock, but she spoke.

"You were just . . . cold. It's how you are; it's normal. But I don't think he minded. That little back and forth was . . . pure sexual tension sweets." She mumbled and Ethan grunted.

"You don't have to worry, I don't like being touched let alone kissed or fucked." She muttered under her breath.

"I'm going to ignore that." Ethan states nodding as he walked past us. "That was so rude." Buffy mumbled.

"Go apologize." Tris suggested and Buffy looked at her with wide, shocked eyes.

"A-apologize? No, I couldn't." Tris shrugged.

"Sure you could, you don't have to be nice, but you should apologize." She turned and walked back toward the house. With a thick swallow Buffy rubbed her sweaty palms on her thighs and then moved toward his house. She rang the doorbell, before scowling, they were probably sleeping, but then she remembered that it was a school day, so odds are, no.

The door opened revealing a little girl. It was like a soccer punch to the gut. The little girl was so Dawn heavy. She had long black locks and bright blue eyes, staring up with so much innocence that Buffy couldn't help but smile.


	4. Chapter 4

Buffy stared at the little girl for a second longer than she should have, but she reminded her so much of Dawn that it was nearly painful. "Oh, uh sorry. Hello, I'm Buffy and I was just wondering if your brother was . . . inside." Of course he was inside, idiot. You watched him _walk inside_.

The little girl rocked on her heels back and forth in a way too innocent manner. "Which one?" She asked staring up at Buffy with wide blue eyes.

"Um . . . tattoo on the back."

"A or C?" She asked sweetly.

"A." Buffy tried, because she remembered the A under his tattoo. With a nod the little girl threw her head back and yelled at the top of her, surprisingly powerful, lungs.

"ANGEEEEEEL!"

Buffy's mouth was wide open, why didn't she just alert the damn FBI?

A loud bang sounded upstairs before pounding as he sped down the steps. Angel came to an abrupt and relieved halt as his eyes landed on the little girl with Buffy. "Kathy you scared the crap out of me." He said and Kathy shrugged a small shoulder staring up at him.

"Sorry." she mumbled and he chuckled placing a hand on her head gently. The hand was larger than her head. Not that the girl was that big or that he had huge weird long hands, they were just large palms and long elegant fingers. Most likely capable of doing extreme damage to many things. They were an athlete's hands or a musicians hands. They could also be the hands of an abuser. She shook that thought directly out of her head, mentally scolding herself. She had no right to judge him over hands that she was currently attracted to. Could one be attracted to hands?

"This pretty lady needs you!" She announces before turning and running off. Buffy's mouth was slightly open as she stared up at Angel.

"Hey there." He states leaning against the door frame and the actual door, towering over her. God he was so big. Bigger than her. A little intimidating considering the fact that he could more than snap her in half with his bare hands.

"My baby sis said you needed me." She didn't miss the suggestive tone in his voice.

"Yes . . . um I just wanted to apologize. You know . . . for calling you a douche and basically throwing you off of my property. It was really rude and frankly the only excuse I have is crankiness." She licked her lips, a habit she'd grown accustomed to when she was nervous. His eyes dipped down to watch the movement and she immediately stopped.

"It's okay. I can be a douche and I was pretty cocky with you too. I'm Angel." Yes you are. She blushed at her own thought, but nodded at him. He held out his hand for her to shake and she wanted too, but she also really didn't. Swallowing her anxiety she placed her hand hesitantly in his. His shake was firm, but also warm. Her hand was engulfed by his, but it seemed to just . . . _fit_.

"Right then, see you at school." She had no idea why she said that, but she did and the next thing she knew. She was flying off the porch and running back home.

Buffy lay awake in her bed staring up at the ceiling. She glanced at the clock. It read 5:00 in big, blaring red numbers. As if mocking her. Yes, she couldn't sleep. She glared back at the alarm clock before falling back with a grunt of annoyance. Throwing the covers away she rolled out of bed and padded into the bathroom. She slipped a pair of black running shorts over her white bikini panties. Then she pulled on a black sports bra. After pulling her medium length hair into a bun she tied her tennis shoes and left her room.

She decided not to wake Ethan up this morning. He had been extremely tired the night before and she didn't want to bother him, but to her surprise, when she came downstairs, she saw him in the kitchen drinking coffee. He looked less than awake. She giggled at him and he gave her his cop glare. She held up her hands mockingly and said, "Don't shoot!" Then she slipped past him, running out the door.

"That wasn't even a little funny." He said, once he'd caught up with her and she shrugged.

They ran for about two miles before Ethan said anything. "How'd you sleep?" He panted casually, as if he already knew the answer, which he did. She shook her head and he frowned worriedly.

"I envy the dead." She states and he sighed, shaking his head.

"C'mon, slow down you've been going full speed since we started, you'll ware yourself out." He said, concerned and she shrugged, calming to a brisk walk. Ethan shook his head, no one said the girl didn't have stamina or energy. She was faster than most grown men he knew, not to mention her determination was something akin to a soldier in battle.

He matched her speed. "So . . . do you want to talk about it?" He asked gently.

"Talk about what?" She muttered.

"Not sleeping. Kate said that you should discuss things with people other than her and I was just wondering if you wanted to talk to me, you know tell me the reasons, other than the obvious." He said . . . hesitantly. Her pace quickened and soon they were in an all out sprint again. God, what kept this girl going, he'd never know.

She was quiet for so long that he was just about to drop to the whole subject, but she spoke right before he opened his mouth. "Noises. Noises keep me up at night. Whether it be the house settling or my imagination. Okay, I'm falling sleep, right? And just before, when I'm in that limbo zone. I hear a noise. Sometimes its the foundation creaking or my mind making shit up. I don't know, but it always happens. Then this wave washes over me like a surge of adrenaline and I'm up and I can't get to that limbo again." She murmurs, trailing off. She comes to an abrupt halt, taking in deep breaths.

Running, she could do for hours, but it's the talking that makes her flustered, go figure. She stared up at Ethan as he sands in front of her, panting himself, with his hands placed firmly on his hips. "I'm crazy, aren't I?" Buffy asked, tears in her eyes.

"Why do you do that to yourself?" He asked, breathless.

"Do what?" She countered in the same position as Ethan.

"Tear yourself down. You do know that you are without a doubt smack in the middle of the road to recovery, right?" He asked staring at her seriously. She just stares.

"Oh c'mon green, this kind of recovery doesn't happen overnight. You spent the first _fourteen_ years of your life in a battle zone. It was hell. I saw the medical records and I saw that night, Buffy. I may not be able to understand it completely, but I've seen enough in my day." He states, like he wasn't a thirty-two year old man.

"And another thing, this is going to be hard and tough, and it's going to take some time. You may even feel a little crazy-." She cuts him off.

"Gee thanks, Ethan." She states and he stares at her.

"I'm being honest with you Buffy. I think after everything you've been through, a little honesty is less than what you deserve." They stare at each other both drenched in sweat.

"Thank you. Let's just go I do have to be at school by six-thirty." She mumbles and they both take off again.

"It's five-fifty by the way." He commented as they rounded the corner. She just nodded.

Her eyes widened as she tried to slow down. She was running at full speed down a hill and frankly, stopping wasn't easy. At least, coming to a halt wasn't. Her body slammed directly into the parked car. She slammed down and rolled on the ground. Ethan skidded to a stop as she caught herself on the grass. His hand touched gently to her shoulder and hip.

"Buffy." He grunted, but she was too pissed to ease his worry.

"What the fuck are you doing parked in the middle of the damn road?!" She yelled as she pushed from the ground and Ethan's help.

"What the fuck are you doing running so fast?" Some guy with a varsity jacket countered. He was tall with brown eyes and a surprisingly nice face, but ooh did she hate him right then.

She tried to grab him, but Ethan whipped her away. "I'm sorry, what the fuck was that? I didn't hear you over the stupidity of your question." She growled, stilling trying to get from Ethan's grip, he laugh nervously.

"Car troubles?" he asked and that's when Buffy noticed others.

"Yeah, it uh, you know broke down." A redhead squeaked. She looked entirely too misplaced. What was this? Virginal sacrifice?

Buffy blinked, as she saw the girl blushing six ways to Sunday. There was three other guys besides dickwad and one of them was Angel. Buffy looked back at dickwad and grunted shoving away from Ethan. "Easy there, tiger." Dickwad said to her and she glared, noticing his eyes trailing her body. Why couldn't she have put a tank top on?

"I'm sorry, what the fuck are you doing?" Ethan demanded, staring at the pervert and Buffy grinned triumphantly as he looked over at Ethan, as if he'd just appeared.

"Nothing." He commented.

"Really? Because it didn't look like nothing and if I were you, I'd keep those eyes inside your head, before I scoop them out with rusty old spoons." He growled warningly. Then he glanced at Buffy's raised eyebrow.

"Technique I learned in Iraq." He explained casually as if they were talking about the weather and Buffy nodded.

"Of course." She said crossing her arms.


	5. Chapter 5

Buffy watched Ethan with her arms crossed. His shirt was thrown over his shoulder, as he bent under the hood with. Angel shows him the problem and there is a bunch of talk that Buffy didn't understand, as they seemed to come to an agreed conclusion. Buffy started to tap her foot impatiently. "Can't they call a cab?" Buffy asked sweetly and while every one of the kids looked at her, she was ignored by Ethan.

"I think it's the radiator belt. Definitely needs a new one." Ethan sighed standing up straighter as he wipes his hands off on the shirt.

"Okay, we'll push it back to my house and I can change it out, but I will give you guys a ride to school. Buffy go on ahead and get ready, alright?" He said casually, bending down into the car again, to recheck the problem. Buffy stared, mouth open. They were going to what? Give them a ride? Uh, not if she had anything to say about it.

"Ethan, they aren't orphans, I'm sure they have _someone_ they can call." Buffy said, her voice clipped. Every single one gave a half-assed remark about parents being at work. _Wonderful_. Ethan licked his lips and shut the hood turning to Buffy.

"Buffy, go home. Get ready, quickly. And change the attitude." He states simply, no he, _orders_. She stares at him, fine. She supposed she didn't have anything to say about it. Turning she took off into a sprint toward her house. She didn't stop until she was in the kitchen.

"You two made good time." Beatrice commented, casually as she sipped coffee. Buffy glanced at the clock, it was five-fifty-nine.

"Get ready, Tris, we're having company." Buffy spat bitterly as she stomped up the steps, missing Beatrice's worried confusion. Buffy slammed her door shut and locked it, before ripping the clothes from her body and turning on the shower. After she ran a brush through her hair she stepped under the warm hose. Her shower was quick, but it cleaned her, getting the job done. She stepped out with a towel wrapped around her.

She walked into her room brushing her drenched hair and let it air dry as she dressed in a pair of ripped skinny jeans and a black feminine V-neck t-shirt. She let her hair dry in natural soft waves down her back, and then grabbed her bag and left her room. When she came downstairs she glared at the people in her living room. Why did Beatrice and Ethan have to be so damn nice?

"Oh, Buffy you made good time, you ready?" Ethan asks and she shrugged, slipping into a pair of black flats with her black sunglasses.

"It's dark out." The redhead said.

"Wow, your observational skills are _amazing_. Never would I have ever figured that out." Buffy states with a mocking nod.

"Laying it on just a little too thick, don't you think, Buffy?" Ethan grumbles, grabbing his keys. Buffy looked at Beatrice.

"What do you know, B, we have another master of observation in the room." She turned and walked from the room and the house.

She glanced down the street to see a bus coming to a stop at the end of it. She frowned, before jogging over to it and getting on. It was mostly empty and she sat in an available seat. When she arrived, the school was rather . . . small and she was able to find her way around easily. Her classes were also relatively easy and she currently sat in Computers sketching in her notebook when a voice came from behind her.

"Did we really piss you off so much that you took the _bus_ of all things?" Buffy's eyes trailed up her paper to stare at the desk. The only reason she wasn't jumping out of her skin, and even she didn't understand it, but it was because of the honey smooth voice from behind her. Angel.

She turned her head and shrugged, staring into those big chocolate browns. "I don't do well in small packed places." She states chewing her gum as she watches him.

"Well, you hurt your dad." He states, he hadn't said it to hurt her, she knew that, but it had tears filling her eyes.

"Buffy- I . . ." He started, but she missed the rest of what he'd said because she nearly ran from the room. She slowed to a stop leaning against the lockers, tears pooling quickly. _Well, you hurt your dad_. It kept mumbling in her head over and over again. Whenever she'd think or hear the word _dad_ her father's face would invade her mind and she wasn't able to breathe. However, right now, hearing the word, the only face that came to her mind was Ethan's worried one. Her body shuddered and when she turned, she nearly slammed into a broad, masculine chest.

She sniffed inhaling and tilting her head back to see Angel. "I'm sorry I upset you, I assure you it wasn't my intention." He murmured and she nodded, wiping a tear from her cheek angrily.

"It's okay, but personal. Ethan isn't my biological dad." Buffy murmured, having no idea why on earth she was telling him that. He was easy to talk to and that was bad, really, really bad.

"Still." He didn't press or pry, god he was perfect. Buffy didn't understand the bubbles in her stomach or the tightening in her chest. She wasn't experienced with guys and what she did know about sex came from the internet, books, or magazines. What she did know was that she was attracted to him. A slow smile curved his lips and that's when she noticed she was blatantly staring at them. They were hot lips. Seriously. Full pink lips, perfect jaw lines, and gorgeous eyes shouldn't exist on one male. It had to be illegal, _somewhere_.

She cleared her throat and glared, as she tried to move past him one arm came up to block her into the lockers and she stared at the limb cut with muscle like fine marble. God, one should really not piss him off in a dark alley. The damn thing _rippled_. "Say you'll ride home with us tonight. Riley won't be there, just me, Willow, Xander, and Connor. You'll like them. I promise." He said, eyes dark with something . . . foreign. An emotion she hadn't seen before.

"W-who's Riley?" She mumbled staring at him and he cocked his head to the side.

"The douche from this morning." He licked his lips and she just nodded, watching the movement. In the back of her mind she was vaguely aware that he was talking about dickwad, but she was really, really interested in his lips right now, to actually give a damn.

"So, you'll drive home with us?" He asked and she nodded.

"Okay." She said, suddenly feeling all too innocent.

"Promise me." He whispers and she swallows, before quickly maneuvering herself out from under his arm and he spun, stunned.

"No, but I'll be there." Then she turned and walked quickly away from him, not understanding the suffocating air that always surrounded her when he was near.


	6. Chapter 6

Buffy walked toward the exit of the school when something slammed into her. She heard a squeak and saw a flash of red before she landed on her ass. She blinked a couple times before looking up at the girl from this morning. "I am so-." She stilled mid-apology as she stared at Buffy, mouth agape and flushing like a tomato.

She started sputtering, in what Buffy thought was English, but couldn't be sure. "Um, it's okay, dude, calm down." Buffy said, feeling a very strange worry for this freaking out girl in front of her. The girl quieted and inquired Buffy in a way a scared animal would inquire a hunter. O-kay.

Buffy glanced to the side before standing, "I'm Willow!" She yelled causing Buffy to jump out of her skin. Why was she yelling? She obviously didn't mean to if the near purple blush had anything to say about it.

"Ahem, I'm Willow." She said, with a normal voice, Buffy was contemplating giving the poor girl a medal.

"Buffy, nice to meet you Willow." She said positioning the bag more over her shoulder.

"You were at my house this morning." Buffy concluded, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed herself. She'd called the poor innocent girl out and made herself look like a total bitch, nice job, Buff. The girl nodded, seeming scared. God, Buffy was so going to help this girl grow a pair. Not literally, though, because that would be weird.

"Yes, yes I was. Along with Angel, Riley, Xander, and Connor." Yes, Buffy knew that. She didn't say anything though, just nodded.

"Awesome, is Ethan driving you, too?" Buffy asked, although she was sure she already knew the answer. Willow looked at the ground, but nodded. Well then.

"I mean I-I can call my m-mom he doesn't have to, if that's not okay with you." She added quickly and Buffy blinked, before chuckling softly.

"It's okay, c'mon, he might leave us." She laughed and walked out of the school with Willow in tow. Buffy placed on her sunglasses and bounced down the stairs. She noticed one of the guys that was either Xander or Connor on a skateboard with Angel watching in amusement.

"Oh c'mon Xander, you can do better than that!" Angel exclaimed with a laugh as the guy nearly fell off the skateboard. Buffy stilled as Willow laughed joining them. Suddenly arms went around her and her body tensed as her skin started to crawl.

"Well hello there, She-Ra, I'm Connor, pleasure to meet you." He said and Buffy couldn't breathe, but she nodded and he chuckled.

"What are you doing?" Angel called, trying to keep his voice light, Connor must not have noticed, he just shrugged.

"Keeping my girl warm!" He called back with a laugh. They went back and forth, but Buffy couldn't hear. She knew this was such an overreaction, but she was four seconds away from having a full blown panic attack right here in front of everyone.

"Please let me go." She thought she'd said, but it must not have been loud enough, because his grip didn't loosen and they didn't stop their bickering. Buffy shoved away from him and jogged over to Ethan's car, slamming the door shut behind her.

She inhaled as her hands ran over her hair. "Hey." Ethan said as he opened his door. The others piled into the back.

"Your principle is an asshole." Ethan states, getting hollers of agreement from everyone in the back. Buffy pulled her hair into a high pony-tail and reached behind her, slipping on socks as she grabbed the tennis shoes by her feet.

Ethan was in a conversation with everyone, checking his stupid mirrors, but it was all static to Buffy's ears. She placed her bag down and got out of the car, causing Ethan to still, "What are you-." The door slamming shut cut him off as she took off through the courtyard. Her body was numb and she couldn't hear anything. She was just running down the street at full speed, everything blurring around her, the kids walking home, the cars driving or honking in frustration. All was lost on her as she continued to push at a speed one uses to run from hell.

She was thrust back into that night like a bad dream.

 _Fourteen year old Buffy stood at her counter, silently cutting the tomatoes for the salad with shaking hands. Her father was home early. He wanted to have a family dinner and had ordered Spike and Buffy to cook it. Spike had gone to take the trash out. He was so quiet that Buffy hadn't heard him over the sound of her knife against the cutting board. Strong arms wrapped around her from behind and her body went into frozen horror. His thick, beer smelling breath fanned across her cheek._

 _"Buffy." He growled and her lips quivered as her eyes crinkled. She inhaled to calm herself._

 _"Yes, father?" She asked still trying to cut the tomatoes, but he pushed closer to her. A foreign hardness pressing into her from behind. She was trembling in fear as she swallowed hard._

 _"You know I love you, right Buffy?" He asked still holding her too tightly and too intimately, in a way a father should never hold or touch their daughter. Bile had risen in Buffy's throat._

 _"Y-yes." She had stuttered out, wishing for this nightmare she called her life to end._

 _"Really? You love me?" He taunted and she nodded, trembling, not knowing what else to do._

 _"How much are you willing to prove it?" He had purred disgustingly by her ear. A tear had fallen as his grip tightened._

Buffy came to a stop in front of her house, panting and heaving as she choked on tears. Connor had terrified her. His breath, his close proximity, no one and nothing had ever been that close to her in three years. She tried to shake that fear, that feeling out of her bones, but she couldn't. There was a car honk and she glanced behind her, noticing Ethan wanting to pull into the driveway. A part of her couldn't believe she'd actually beat him here, another part of her couldn't believe she was still standing.

Beatrice came out. "Buffy?" She asked confused, wiping her hands on a cloth. A woman came out with a man. Beatrice walked in front of her, pulling her out of the driveway and into the grass.

"Why are you so sweaty?" She asked blinking at her neck and face.

"I-I ran here." She whispered.

"You-you _ran_ here? Why?!" Beatrice asked, trying to keep her emotions in check, but Buffy could see the worry.

"I had a flashback." Buffy said, releasing a wet sob. The tears fell and Beatrice gripped her arms, glancing over her head to give a tense smile at Ethan and their guests.

"Just a moment, please." She says pulling Buffy close to her and up the stairs into the house, before up another flight of stairs and into Buffy's room.

"What happened?" Beatrice asked and Buffy sniffed.

"I can't go back down there." She said, dodging the question and Beatrice nods slowly.

"Okay, I can ask them to leave-." She started, but Buffy cut her off.

"Oh please, you probably invited them to dinner, don't worry about it. Don't send them away on the account of me Tris, I'm okay." Buffy said, trying to convince the both of them.

"Okay, but what happened?" Beatrice tried again and Buffy stared at her with damp eyes.

"I want to make my visits to Kate every Saturday." She said, ignoring the question and Beatrice was getting a tad impatient, but said nothing.

"Okay, you call her. Buffy please tell me, what do I tell Ethan?" Beatrice pleaded and Buffy just stared.

"I have to make a phone call." She said and Beatrice sighed, before nodding and hugging Buffy.

"If you want to talk." She offered, before leaving.

Buffy grabbed her phone with shaking hands and dialed the number, her lips quivering as she closed her eyes.

"Hello?" Kate's voice came in.

"Hi, it's Buffy. I um, was wondering if I could change these meetings to every Saturday instead of just every other one." She asked, her voice thick. There was silence.

"Yes, Buffy, of course. This is why you have them." She said and Buffy could practically see her pulling out a notepad to write something down.

"Do you wish to speak right now?" Kate asked and tears filled Buffy's eyes at the sound of her hopeful voice.

"No." She said, before inhaling silently.

"See you Saturday." Buffy finished, hanging up the phone before she got a response.


	7. Chapter 7

Buffy walked up the steps of the large psychiatric building. Iced coffee in her hand and gum in her mouth. She was exhausted, having driven all night by herself with no sleep for the past week she wasn't in any talking mood, but she also wasn't in any mood to be alone. She didn't bother knocking, never had before.

"Have I ever told you exactly what happened that night?" Buffy asked after ten minutes of silence and Kate shrugged taking a sip of coffee.

"No, I mean we've talked about how your brother was the first victim, but never about why or what had caused the outrage." She states pulling her notebook onto her lap.

"Well the reason is simple. I'm not ready to go into all of the details, but he flipped because I wouldn't have sex with him." Buffy picked at a strand on her jeans and when she looked up, Kate's face was pale and her lips pursed.

"Buffy I am sorry for this next question, but I am required by law to ask . . . did he rape you?" She asked, Buffy could never understand how she kept herself so calm during those types of questions.

Buffy was quiet for a while before answering, "I don't know." She whispered and Kate's lips parted.

"You mean you don't remember?" Kate asked.

"It's not uncommon for children to shut down memories like that. That event would have been the ultimate violation." Kate explained.

Buffy shook her head, "No I remember, it's just I don't know if what he did was rape or just assault I don't know the difference." Buffy mumbled, feeling stupid.

"Well, you could tell me what he did and I could tell you." She offered and Buffy thought that over.

There was a possibility of closure if she knew the truth, but she would be letting go that last part of her, that naive part that said her father was horribly awful, but not that sick. With a deep breath, she'd made up her mind

"He came up from behind me. Told me that he wanted me to prove how deep my love was. I was frozen in shock, I could feel his arousal pressing into me and I just couldn't move." She inhaled shakily. Kate moved on the couch next to her.

"Buffy that is a natural phenomenon that happens to even grown women, you were a child." She defended softly and Buffy stared down at the ground.

"Anyways, he proceeded to unzip my jeans and everything was all buzzy and confusing. Then I felt this pressure inside me, his fingers and that's when Spike came in." Buffy pushed from the couch, a tear falling down her cheek as she looked back at Kate.

"Was it rape?" Buffy croaked, tears pooling in her brilliant green eyes, as her heart galloped in her chest.

"Yes. Yes it was. Oral rape as it's known." Kate said watching Buffy quietly.

Buffy just nodded staring out the window. Wonderful. Her father wasn't only crazy he was sick.

"I had a flashback. Some guy at school came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. It was an innocent gesture, and he wasn't hurting me, but I was slammed back to that night without my control." Buffy whispered taking a seat again and Kate sighed, nodding.

"Buffy, it's not uncommon for victims of traumas like that to relive them. It's the minds way of reminding the victim what had happened. A way for the body to flush out that fear. It's paralyzingly and scary, but it's a nessicissity to recovery, keeps you from pushing it away. One needs to admit what happened to them, so they can move on." Kate explains and Buffy shrugs.

"Well, it's stupid." She mumbles stubbornly and Kate smiles sadly.

"Yes, Buffy, very stupid, but necessary and relieving to know that you're still strong enough to live."

Buffy got home late Sunday night, still exhausted, that was a given. But she felt a little better. Kate always had that effect. She claimed out grumbling about stupid suicide machines. When she looked up she saw Angel sitting on his porch. Biting her bottom lip she walked over fidgeting with her keys.

"Hi." She said waving and taking a hesitant seat, his crooked smile had buterflies fluttering in her stomach.

"Hey there, Jade." He greeted turning to face her with his back against the ledge.

"It's cold out, what are you doing?" She asked, feeling very interested and he shrugged a firm shoulder.

"I like the cold, it's refreshing. And my parents are arguing, I have a tendency to take my mother's side, even when she's wrong and right now I need to be far from that." He explained running his hands through his hair and leaning forward. Buffy merely nodded, not prying.

"I like the rain." She murmurs staring up at the crystal clear night sky, lit up with millions of stars.

"Really?" He asked and she nodded.

"Oh yes, heavy rain, one time I went out in a thunder storm, didn't come back until it ended, I was drenched and it was amazing." She said giving him a wide smile. He was watching her with an inquiring look.

"What?" She asked, was Buffy Summers actually blushing? Yes, yes she was.

"Nothing I just can't figure you out. You're different." He murmurs and she swallows.

"Good different?" She asked softly and he nodded.

"Great different." He said seriously. She watched him for a little while, then she stood.

"Goodnight, Angel." She murmured starting back toward her home, but not before hearing his response.

"Sweet dreams, Jade."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: HI Guys! So how's the story going so far?! I love all of you who have reviewed, you've made my days ;). So question . . . should Buffy tell Kate or Angel first the entire story of what happened** ** _that_** **night? Tell me what you think! Feedback is always appreciated! Enjoy.**

* * *

Buffy woke up the next morning and glanced at the clock. Four hours of sleep, well, that's a new record. It will go down in the fucking history books. She slid from her bed and pulled on a pair of shorts, a large grey sweatshirt, and her tennis shoes before leaving. Hair going up in a high pony-tail. Ethan wasn't awake and it was nearly five so she figured she'd just let him sleep.

Buffy jogged down her street, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she searched through her music. Out of her peripheral vision she caught a figure and looked up before swerving to the side, "Fuck." She cursed as she nearly skidded to a halt.

Looking over she saw Kathy. The little girl was in a pajama nightgown and walking forward with her eyes open, but distant. "Kathy?" Buffy said jogging to walk next to the little girl, she didn't react.

Buffy touched her shoulder to still the girl and she screamed, causing Buffy to drop to her knees, the sting of her scraped skin barely registering as she shook the little girl. "Kathy! Kathy! Wake up you're alright." Buffy pleaded as the girl started to sob tearfully. Buffy pulled her against her chest, stroking her hair and shushing her.

"Shush, you're okay, Dawny." Buffy blinked as she realized what she'd said, but Kathy didn't seem to notice. Buffy hugged her tightly as they sat in the side of the road, nearly two streets from their home.

Dawn used to sleep walk. She called it running from her nightmares. It's one reason why Buffy doesn't sleep, she would always wait up at night in case Dawn woke up. This was scary. People don't just get up and walk around in the dead of night without being cooncsious of it. There had to be a reason, Buffy wasn't sure she wanted to know said reason.

"B-Buffy?" Kathy stuttered out and Buffy nodded.

"Yeah, sweets. C'mon." She lifted her little body into her arms and started back home. Kathy's sniffles in Buffy's ear as her little arms clung to her neck, it broke Buffy's shattered heart. When they rounded the corner horror slammed into Buffy at what she saw. Jenny, Angel's mom and his Dad, Giles stood talking to cops with Connor standing on the porch looking close to tears and Riley was calming a freaking out Angel.

Cop cars were everywhere with lights flashing and sirens blaring, neighbors were all exiting their homes to see what happened. "Buffy?" Kathy asked, her hysterical voice akin to how Buffy felt. Buffy knelt setting Kathy down.

"Kathy go to your mom, right now." Buffy said and Kathy took off yelling 'mommy'.

Buffy walked over as hysterical yells of relief run around, Connor bolts from the porch and Angel bolts from Ethan's side.

People looked over at Buffy, but she slid past everyone and continued toward her home, "Excuse me, miss!" A detective called after her and Buffy snapped without stopping.

"No!" She continued into her home with Beatrice following quickly behind slamming the door shut behind her.

"Buffy! What happened?!" Beatrice yelled, not bothering to hide her freak out.

"She sleep walks!" Buffy exclaimed removing her shoes and socks, fuck she had too much energy. She quickly placed the socks and shoes back on as Beatrice paces asking questions.

Buffy flew past her crazy adoptive mom and out of the house. She flew from the porch, past Ethan and the detectives trying to get him to let them inside, most likely to talk to her. Buffy sprinted past the cop cars, the hysterical neighbors, the relieved family, and the chaos. She ran at full speed out of the neighborhood and onto the busy street.

She wasn't seeing or thinking, god this town had a knack for giving her panic attacks. She was seeing Dawn and all of her disappearances. She was feeling the shame and guilt at the anger sure felt toward her sister. Her father would take it out on Buffy and Spike whenever Dawn would disappear and she held some slight resentment to her little sister for that.

Kathy had been like a tornado blast from the damn past. Buffy was running so hard that she'd stopped breathing, blood was slamming against her face as she sped down the empty street. Dots ran across her vision, as did images of bloody nights and horror houses. She came to a disastrous stop as she coughed and hacked out air, while trying to breathe in some at the same time.

she placed her hands on her knees, she felt sticky, thick warm liquid smear across her hands and when she looked down her palms were coated in blood as it smeared her knee and ran down her left calf. The only sound was her heart beating in her ears as her head ran with a wave of heaviness. She sighed and was deaf to it. Turning she started back toward her house.


	9. Chapter 9

Buffy had gone for a run longer than usual the next morning. No Kathy. To which she was relieved. She currently stood under the shower spray tilting her head back and letting the hot water wake her up. She turned off the water and wrapped a towel around herself. There was a tap on her window as she searched through her underwear drawer. Spinning around she relaxed slightly as she saw Angel, but she was still very tense. Swallowing she walked over and lifted up the window, before clutching the towel to her chest.

She watched him as he smiled at her, she was attracted to him, but it wasn't just the phenomenal body or the gorgeous eyes, it was the pure masculine beauty he possessed that astounded her. She smiled back, tensely. "What do you want?" She asked, feeling small and he shrugged both shoulders.

"Want a ride?" He asked.

"A ride? Sure. Charity? No thanks." she went to close her window, but he grabbed it with his hand and pushed it up, entering with grace a man his height and width should not possess. His body stood before her, about two inches away, as those big coco eyes stared down at her.

"Are you incapable of trusting someone? You saved my sister, yeah. I'm eternally grateful, because she is everything to me, but I'm not being nice to you because of it. I'm being nice to you because I want to." He states and Buffy hated how much her body and mind wanted to trust him. _Needed_ to trust him.

"Besides." He says, hands going into his pockets as he leans a little closer to her. "I like you. I was going to be nice to you far before you ever saved Kathy. Trust me." He whispers, but it sounded like a plead and she shrugged.

"I'm not good with the 'trust' thing." She said and he watched her.

"Let me give you a ride, maybe you'll find it." He said as her eyes searched him.

"I'm naked." She said, before blushing. His eyes dipped down, and eyebrows rose suggestively.

"Clothes are always an optional thing in my car." He offers and her eyes narrow at him.

"Go back downstairs. I'll change and meet you down there." She says, not amused. He chuckles softly and nods before slipping back out of her window.

"And Buffy." He says before leaving, she turns to face him again.

"Thanks, again, truly." He said and she nodded, but he was already jumping from the roof. Inhaling deeply she closed her window and locked it.

After pulling on a pair of high waisted jean shorts with a red halter neck crop top she slipped on shoes and bounced down the stairs. She let her hair fall to her breasts in natural damp waves before grabbing her bag and jogging from the house. Angel sat in his car, listening to Fall out Boy and drumming his thumbs against the steering wheel. His eyes lit up when she arrived and while she tried to ignore it. Buffy couldn't deny the flicker of excitement in her heart, but she tried her best to push it down.

"Uma Thurman." She states nodding at the radio and Angel chuckled.

"Gotta love her." He agrees pulling out of the driveway.

When they got to school, Buffy was fidgeting. Angel glanced over at her. "Hey Jade, you okay?" He asked and she nodded, not understanding why he was asking her that, until she noticed her wringing hands. Flushing she stopped and pressed them harder into her thighs.

"Where's Connor?" Buffy asked and he shrug.

"Punk was pissed off at me, because I wouldn't let him drive. Took the bus to boycott." He states simply and Buffy giggles shaking her head.

"How on earth does he win with that?" She asked and he shrugged again, giving her his signature crooked grin as he tilted his head to look into her eyes.

"We have yet to figure out the common denominator in what my brother calls a brain." He states and Buffy nods.

"Research still underway?" She asked coyly and he smirked.

"Of course." His expression serious for about two seconds before they both burst into laughter.

Buffy got out of his car and she didn't miss the jealous glares from girls all around or the brushed off looks. Buffy shifted her weight as Angel jumped over the hood only to bypass Xander in his mission to greet Buffy on his skateboard.

"Alexander Harris, I don't believe you and Miss Summers have been formally introduced." Angel started, standing between the two of them.

"Buffy, this is my oldest and best childhood friend Xander, well apart from Willow who you met about a week ago." Angel explained.

"Xander, this is Buffy Summers." He states and Buffy watches Angel for a moment before looking back at Xander.

"Nice to meet you." She said, politeness is still a virtue she likes to practice, on occasion.

"Likewise." He states grinning and she smiles tensely. It wasn't hard to notice the attraction in his eyes and Buffy didn't do well with guys that were attracted to her. Then again, Angel was hard for her to read, so if he was attracted to her, which he didn't show much, unless you count this morning- Angel's hand currently wave in front of her face and she blinked back to reality.

"Hey, welcome back. Where'd you go?" He asked, trailing his pointer finger knuckle down her jaw and she swallowed, before shrugging.

"Just mind rambling." She explained and he nodded, dropping his hand. Much to her relief and . . . disappointment.

"Well, uh, I got to get to class, see ya later, man." Xander said and they do that bro shake thing. Buffy's lips twitched up and she crossed her arms.

"What's so amusing?" Angel asked glancing down at her and she shrugged as they walk down the sidewalk. He was standing very close to her and she was surprised to see that she didn't tense up or seem to truly mind.

"Nothing, it's just that if two girls make up a handshake, it's cute. If a guy and a girl make up a handshake, they're in love, but if two guys have one, it's normal, natural, hell, even expected! Just curious as to what the world has come to." She states and he smiles, glancing over, before winking. Oh. Yes. He looked good winking.

"Double standard, baby, the world lives by them."


	10. Chapter 10

"Buffy."

"Buffy . . ."

"Buffy!" Buffy's head snapped up at the sound of Kate's irritated voice.

"What?!" She exclaimed giving Kate a look that said she was definitely questioning the older woman's sanity.

"I've been trying to get your attention for the past ten minutes, where is your mind at?" Kate asked through a soft laugh and Buffy sighed ran her hand through her pony-tail and twirling it around her fingers.

"There's this . . . guy." Buffy said tentatively, but she didn't miss the way Kate's eyes lit up in excitement or how her body jerked to attention like some schoolgirl wanting the good gossip.

"Ooh! Is there now, what's he like?" Kate asked.

"He plays football and basketball. I went to a couple of his games last week. He picks me up every morning, then again he lives right next door. He's flirty and I'm pretty sure my libido only exists around him." Buffy says taking a long sip of coffee. She's a caffeine addict.

"What's his name?" Kate asks, smiling to herself as she writes on her notepad.

"Angel." Buffy states swallowing hard and Kate glances up.

"He's got the body of a Greek fucking god, his facial features are like carved stone, and he's nice!" She exclaims like being nice is awful.

"I mean, Kate, he's _nice_ , nice. Like sweet and I hate it." She snaps, gulping the coffee now.

"Oh dear, does Ms. Buffy Summers have a . . . a _crush_?" Kate teases and Buffy glares.

"Yes. And I hate that too." She snaps stubbornly and Kate chuckles softly.

"Well, if you're letting him near you, talk to you, and you're going to his games to please him or yourself than you have to trust him on some level." Kate states with a shrug.

"Oh, do I now?" Buffy counters, in denial.

"Yes, Buffy, you wouldn't even be in the same room as Ethan for months! Your body and mind have these trust issues, more alert with men than usual women. You understand that not all of them are nice go-happy people. You understand the danger that can occur with a stupid decision, you trust your instincts as one would trust their own eye-sight. So you would have to trust this boy to get into his car every morning and to go to his games." Kate explained, sounding flabbergasted.

Buffy sighed, "Kate, my first kiss was with a middle aged man who happened to be my father, the same man happened to be the first to ever touch me. Tell me, what guy, no matter how sweet he is, wouldn't be completely and utterly turned off by that?" Buffy demanded, self-hatred and disgust rolling around in her stomach.

Kate was silent. Too silent and Buffy nodded raising her drink to the woman. Kate wasn't a liar, never had and never would lie to Buffy, about anything, it was the first promise she made when they met and it was one she stood by to this day. Kate told her harsh truths and it was for her own good. So the next thing that came out of her mouth would stick with Buffy until the day she died.

"You cannot predict or know another's intentions or emotions. We, we humans are not gods, Buffy, no matter how much we'd love to believe we are, we just aren't. We no not of the future and we will never know what's in another's heart. All we have is what is in our own and use that to guide us through this life." She paused as Buffy let that sink in.

"You don't need to decide how this Angel would react to you explaining the devils in your past. You need to decide if you are ready to let that part of yourself into another. You need to decide if you'll finally except the forgiveness you've been denying yourself."

Buffy sat in Computers, very aware of Angel's stare boring into the back of her skull. She inhaled and pushed her chair back slightly, tilting her head and looking at him. "Can I help you?" She asked sweetly and he grinned, handing her a piece of paper. With a sigh she turned back and settled into her seat again, leaving the note there for a while, until she could hear Angel tapping his foot. Oh she loved to tease him.

Lifting the note up she read the elegant script with barely concealed interest.

 _A couple of us are going to a local club in town. It's called the Bronze, you in? ~Angel_

She sucked the top layer of her teeth and chewed on her bottom lip. Running her sweaty palms over her thighs, she lifted her pencil and wrote back.

 _Pick me up at seven._

The bell rung and Buffy left the note on her desk, leaving the classroom with a small smirk on her face. Buffy sighed as she plopped down under a tree in the courtyard. A local club. Tonight. Her? She almost couldn't believe it. She'd never been to a party let along a club, then again she'd never been to a football game before last Friday. It was currently Tuesday and Kate's words were still rolling around in her head. It was like that woman had some sort of magic. Like a spell for being wise and a large pain in the ass when one wanted to forget their problems.

Angel slid next to her and she nearly jumped out of her skin as he settled on the ground, eating a pudding cup. "So seven?" He asked, mouth full of chocolate. She pressed her lips together and rolled her eyes.

"Sure, it's what I said, right?" She asked coyly and he nodded, pulling the spoon out of his mouth and looking at her.

"What are you eating?" He asked and she shrugged.

"Nothing, I'm not hungry." She states simply.

"You say that everyday, do you just skip lunch?" And breakfast, sometimes dinner. She added silently in her head before answering his question.

"Yep." Se states pronouncing the p with a pop.

"This isn't some stupid weight issue that you have, right? Because I could do bicep curls with your body." He states and she laughs, giving him a raised eyebrow.

"Is that so? Could you?" She asked, blinking innocently and she was suddenly hoisted up, all of the air leaving her lungs for two very different reasons. The first, would be the shock and the second would be feeling his powerful arm around her thighs.

He starts to literally pull her up and down and she makes a whining noise, even though she wants to laugh.

"Angel put me down!" She nearly yells and he sighs begrudgingly falling back onto the ground and she just happens to settle on his lap. Oh dear god.

"No, Angel, it's not a weight issue that I have." Buffy states inhaling and pushing away from him, pulling her knees to her chest. Well, not anymore. Sure, she'd had body image issues in the past. Not that she was ever overweight or anything, actually a couple times during her childhood she'd been severely underweight. The body image issues came from her father always telling her she was either too fat or too skinny, he could be a cruel man even without his fists. Buffy flinched rubbing her arms and when she looked back at Angel, his eyes were darkly examining her.

"What?" She breathed and he shrugged.

"Nothing . . . I just wish I could go with you when you do that. You just close into your mind and I'd like to follow." He admits, before clearing his throat almost uncomfortably and releasing a nervous laugh, grabbing his pudding cup.

She watched him fumble, when he tried to stand, "I'll be right back." He states turning and walking toward the trash can. Buffy stared at his back, watching the muscles roll under his thin t-shirt as he clenches his fists repeatedly from tension. She had this strange and unexplainable urge to jump up and kiss him when he came back.

He sat next to her, silently, the air wasn't awkward like she had expected, but it was tense. "Angel." She murmurs and his eyes snap up.

"I don't think you'd like what you would find in my mind very much." She whispers, every single cell in her entire being telling her to get up and run. Run from this confusing boy and these confusing feelings that could only end in heartbreak. However, she didn't move an inch.

"I think that's very impossible." He whispered back to her. All she had to do was lean forward an inch and they would be kissing, or he just had to lean upward an inch. Her heart hammered in her chest as his lips parted to say something else, but she spoke.

"Actually it's very possible. You'd most likely run away screaming. I'm messed up." She says softly and watches his Adams apple bob as he swallows. After a couple beats of silence he shook his head.

"No, not messed up, just lost." He says quietly and she was going to lean forward, honest, but the bell rung. Relief and disappointment, along with a twinge of annoyance hit her as she stood and walked briskly away from him. Leaving the temptation he seemed to emit behind.


	11. Chapter 11

Buffy shifted her weight in front of the mirror, she wore a light pink dress with spaghetti straps holding it up. No cleavage but her breasts were prominent and her long, slim legs were on display. The dress hugged in all of the right places and highlighted her eyes. The knee high brown leather boots only served to top off the dress. Her hair was straight and perfect. And she was nervous. Beyond nervous. She held her jacket and started to pace.

There was a knock and then her door was opening. "Hey, sweetheart, he's here." Beatrice said and Buffy blinked at her.

"This feels like a date!" She exclaimed, stomping her foot stubbornly and Beatrice raised an eyebrow.

"And I have no right to think that because he hasn't specified, and we aren't dating! But I want to and I'm so scared, seriously, I've contemplated climbing under the covers and not coming out for a week. In fact I even laid down. I can't." She said throwing her jacket on her bed and running her hands through her hair as she started to pace again and shake her head repeatedly.

Beatrice sighed, "Buffy, if you like him, ask him out. But this may be a date for him, you never know, just go and have a good time, _relax_." She states softly and gripped Buffy's shoulders. Buffy pouted and sighed, closing her eyes.

"Okay." She mumbles softly, her eyes were shut tightly.

"Okay, I'm going, yay." Buffy states, grabbing her jacket and leaving her bedroom, followed by Beatrice. Buffy stilled on the top step as she stared at Angel, Beatrice grunted as she was forced to a halt. Angel was talking to Riley, so he didn't notice her.

He wore a pair of black jeans that hung dangerously low on his hips, they hugged his long, powerful legs and his backside wasn't a bad view either. His t-shirt was deep red and it hugged his chest in the most tantalizing way. Yeah . . . she wasn't going out with him. Or at least, she thought she wasn't. When she tried to turn she nearly slammed into Beatrice who shook her head, they had a silent begging and refusing fight down the stairs. Both snapped to attention plastering on smiles when Beatrice spun Buffy around.

"H-hi." Buffy stuttered as she stood with her hands clasped behind her back staring up at him. A slow smile spread across his lips as he continued to stare down at her.

"Buffy . . . you look great." He says and she stares up at him, trying to find her voice, but it didn't feel like coming out. She felt awkward, she felt really, really awkward and she hated the feeling.

"Hm." Was all she got out before turning and running up the steps. She closed and locked her door. Tears filled her eyes, what was she doing? What the hell was she doing? She wasn't some normal girl that could just go out with a guy, not one she was attracted too. He needed someone that wouldn't keep him up at night or someone that would actually sleep with him and if she was being honest, she didn't know if she would.

Then there was the other chance that he didn't even want her. That would only hurt her and she was so done being hurt. "Buffy?" She heard Beatrice call, shaking her head she slid down her wall.

"No! Go away! I'm not going!" She yelled pulling her knees to her chest. A tear fell down her cheek, followed by a river of more tears. About half an hour later she heard that gentle tap on her window and blinked, she stood and opened it, Angel's face happened to be an inch from hers and before she could pull back he cupped her cheeks. His thumbs wiped her tears and she just stared with her mouth open.

"We didn't even make it out of the door." He states, jokingly, but she didn't find it funny and he sighed, licking his lips. Why? Why did he have to do that? She knew he wasn't teasing her, it was a nervous gesture she'd caught over the couple weeks she'd known him.

"Okay, princess." he sighed softly and her stomach clenched, she hadn't heard him call her that since the first time they met and she liked it.

"C'mon let's go to the Bronze." He says and she doesn't move. He stills and stares at her.

"Buffy, what's wrong? You seemed excited today? What happened?" He asked softly and she stares at him.

"Why the fuck do you want to know?!" She yells and he doesn't react, in fact he kept so calm that it nearly scared her. But she wasn't done.

"Why are you so interested in me?! Why are you my friend?! Why do you waste your time?! No one ever has before, so why you?! What do you get out of it?!" She yelled, trying to keep the tears from falling. He continued to just watch her, calmly. Her eyes searched him.

He motioned with his hand for her to come closer and she didn't move. "C'mon, Buffy, just take a walk with me." He says holding out his hand and she crossed her arms, she couldn't let him get to her and being near him, got to her. So, why in the hell did you take his hand? Well, she didn't know, but she did.

He helped her out of the bedroom and pulled her against him. As he slid down he held her against him tightly and landed easily as if he was incapable of being hurt. He set her down and they started down the sidewalk. He was silent for a little while before speaking.

"Buffy . . . I like you. Okay? I don't know why or what I'm doing, but I know that I like you and I want to get to know you. I want you . . . to be my friend." He states, his friend. Okay. She could do friends. Actually, friends might save a lot of hurt, but she didn't think it was going to last, considering the fact that as she walked ahead of him, he gripped her upper arm and spun her around, she gasped as the air around them seemed to still.

"Okay, perhaps not friends." He breathed.

"Why not friends?" She asked just as breathless. "I like friends." She added quietly and he shrugged.

"I can't be friends with someone that makes me want to kiss them by just breathing." He said, cradling the side of her head.

"Angel . . ." She trailed off shaking her head.

"Buffy." He said, smiling softly, it faltered at her frown. He pulled back, searching her.

"There are things . . . there are bad things that could really make you hate me if I do anything and you don't know about it first." She chokes out, god stop talking! Why was it so easy to talk to him?! She hated it!

"I don't think I could ever _hate_ you Buffy. In fact, I'm seriously starting to doubt I could even dislike you." He said and she bit her bottom lip. She could do what she wanted and risk the consequences or she could walk away and live with the regret. Kate entered her mind. _You cannot predict or know another's intentions or emotions . . . We no not of the future and we will never know what's in another's heart. All we have is what is in our own and use that to guide us through this life._ So she did.

One arm wrapped around his neck as she pushed up on her tippy toes, pressing her lips to his. At first, she shocked him, but it took him less than two seconds to sink into the kiss. It was by far the most exhilarating thing she'd ever felt. As his soft lips moved in sync with hers, her head turned fuzzy as if she were flying. His warm breath panted against her mouth as they parted briefly. He back them both up and she went with him, willingly. When she hit the bark of the tree, he bent gripping the back of her thighs and lifted her, wrapping her legs around his waist.

She briefly wondered where the panic was, the caution that had always been inside her, reminding her when a line was crossed and when the activity needed to end. Those thoughts flew out of her mind the minute his lips were back on hers.


	12. Chapter 12

Her lips felt heavy. Could lips even feel heavy? Well, they did or perhaps the better term for the feeling would be _swollen_. Her lips felt swollen, her face felt flushed, and her body felt like it had just been set on fire. These were all normal things after being kissed . . . right?

She stared at those deep brown eyes as one of his large hands cradled her face. Biting her bottom lip, she smiled tentatively. "Okay." She stopped talking abruptly and her eyes widened, was that her breathless voice?

By the devilish grin on Angel's face, yes, yes it was. She felt like something needed to happen now, like one of them should flip and jump out of a window or something. Not truly understanding that strange feeling, she pushed on his chest as a simple sign, which he surprisingly understood. Setting her down carefully, he released an almost inaudible sigh, but she caught it and it warmed her all over again.

Her knees shook as she glanced back up at him. Oh, his lips were swollen too. She had the strange urge to do a happy dance, but decided against that. She smiled up at him and inhaled, "See you at school!" She exclaimed before literally, yes, _literally_ sprinting away from him. She didn't stop until she stood in her bedroom doorway, panting.

"Buffy?" She heard Beatrice call and she hummed, barely loud enough for her own ears to hear.

"Are you alright?" She called again and Buffy merely nodded to herself. Before shaking her head and turning to call back.

"Yes, B, goodnight!" She closed her bedroom door and slipped wordlessly from her boots and then climbed onto her bed and collapsed. A giggle bubbled up her throat as she squealed into her comforter. Apart from the embarrassing dash, she was actually happy and, oh dear god, she was _giddy_.

Although that didn't last long, she spent the rest of the night pacing around her room, trying to decide what the hell she was going to do. Oh god, what if he thought she was a freak? I mean she ran, _ran_. She sat, groaning into her hands. She needed to talk to someone and perhaps change her name, grow a mustache, and move to Canada. She couldn't stop blushing, insecurities built up like a volcano waiting to explode.

What if he didn't _like_ it? What if he got what he wanted? What if that's _all_ he wanted? What if . . . shaking her head she inhaled and rubbed her hands through her hair again. This was what she did. She freaked. She analyzed every. Little. Detail. Until paranoia made her body shake and screams spilled from her throat, but she wasn't going to let that happen this time. She wasn't a victim anymore, dammit. She was a survivor and survivors fight for fucks sake.

Standing she grabbed her keys and wrote a quick note for Beatrice and Ethan before getting into her car and driving very fast to her destination. The ride was long and agitating. When she arrived the sun was peeking through the sky, but she ignored it and jogged up the worn down steps of the apartment building. She reached room 308 and started to pound. The door swung open and a man stood there with a towel wrapped around lean hips. Buffy couldn't contain the eye roll.

"Hi!" She chirps slipping past him and back through to the bedroom.

When she entered her eyes landed on the brunette currently buttoning up her shirt. Her brown eyes looked up and the sultry look slowly faded to one of softness. "B." She states grinning and Buffy chuckled.

"Faith, long time no see." She states leaning against the doorframe.

"I know, you don't write, you don't call, makes a girl wonder." Faith comments crossing her arms.

"Phone and the mail service work both ways, out of the two of us, who is the most forward?" She asked coyly and Faith smirked rolling up her sleeves.

"So what brings you back? Shrink?" She asked and Buffy rolled her eyes.

"I go to that every Saturday my reason for this visit is something of most importance." She states with an assured nod, Faith raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms.

"Well, out with it." Faith presses.

"Girl talk." Buffy says simply and the guy glances between the two females.

"Is this going to become a three-some? Because I'm okay with that." He states and both girls turn to look at him, Buffy's eyes were wider than plates and Faith rolled hers.

"Get out, Henry." She states and he turns to her.

"My name is Jake." He says back and she shrugs, not caring.

"I don't care, get out." She snaps and he immediately grabs his clothes, leaving.

"You're so kind, Faith." Buffy comments watching the poor guy shuffle out of the place and Faith laughs.

"I know." She winks and grabs Buffy's arm, pulling her out of the apartment and informing Buffy they would be shopping during this conversation.

"So, you actually did the dirty against a tree?" Faith asks, shifting through leather assorted clothing. Buffy just stares, shaking her head.

"No, Faith, we didn't do the dirty, we just . . . made-out a little." Buffy mumbled and Faith grinned.

"Your first kiss, this should be like a ceremony or something." Faith states and then sighs at Buffy's glare.

"Okay, that first time doesn't count, this was your first kiss just like you'll have the first time a guy touches you, those times. Did. Not. Count." She states sliding past Buffy with so much confidence and the blonde rolled her eyes and followed behind.

"Sure, but when do I tell him? Do I even tell him? God Faith I've known him for less than a month and I'm already kissing him up against a tree and contemplating sharing my deepest, darkest secrets. What is wrong with me?" Buffy mumbled to herself as she rubbed her temples. The brunette sighed softly.

"Nothing is wrong with you Buffy, you like this _Angel_. It's not a big deal and there's nothing to be ashamed of what happened, and I still like you after knowing." Faith states with a shrug and Buffy sighed.

"Yeah, but Faith, we aren't _fucking_ nor are we dating. And you aren't obligated to touch my body." Buffy sat and Faith smirked.

"Not unless you beg." She winks and Buffy rolled her eyes and laid her head down on her forearms, hearing Faith's laughter wasn't helping.

"B, you are seriously condemning this boy before you even tell him. He could be completely alright about it, in fact, he may have his own little dirty secrets and hidden skeletons in the closet." She says simply while picking at the cheap plant in front of them as Buffy stared off into space.

"What if he's disgusted?" Buffy whispered and Faith looked up, suddenly very serious, an emotion Buffy didn't think Faith could possess or achieve, but her next words were extremely mature.

"Then he's not worth the time of day."


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: Hi guys! I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in a while. Writer's block is a bitch, but here you go. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Buffy walked through the halls of Sunnydale High trying to decide if she was going to skip class or if she was going to face Angel. It's been about a week since her talk with Faith and she's been avoiding him. Yep, avoiding him. Like a scared bitchy coward. And she misses him. _Misses_ him. God she couldn't remember the last time she had someone alive to actually miss. So with a deep inhale she turned the hall that lead to her seventh and final period, deciding that she could just drive for Kate in the morning.

She walked in and sat in her desk, playing with a strand of her hair. A nervous tick. Along with the bouncing of her knee, just as she was about to chicken out and sprint from the room. He walked in. Leather jacket and all, fuck he's going to be the death of her. And considering what she's actually survived, that's saying something.

His eyes landed on her green ones and he made a sharp turn, taking a seat in the desk next to her. "Now, I've had girls giggle hysterically after kiss them, even had one or two faint, but running away." He whistled.

"That's a new one." he informs her and Buffy shifts in her seat, glancing at him.

"Ever think that the girls you've kissed are just too nice to run away?" She asks, raising an eyebrow and he chuckles, before shrugging a strong shoulder.

"I suppose, but I don't usually go for _nice_. Now cute, is a different story." He says, chocolate eyes boring into hers. She tears her eyes away, chewing on her bottom lip as she watches the teacher speak, but not really hearing. Her heart currently pounded in her ears and she'd be damned if all of her attention wasn't on the Adonis sitting next to her.

"Buffy." He whispers and she glances at him.

"Yes?" She asks, her voice broke and she cleared her throat. Frowning at her own awkwardness.

"Did I hurt you?" He asks, true concern on his face and her attention firmly whips around to face him.

"No, no, no Angel, you didn't hurt me. I swear, you were really good, actually and I liked it. I just- I just can't tell you." She mumbles.

"Sure you can." He says softly, encouragingly and her eyes close as his hand lands on her thigh.

"Angel, I _told_ you. There are things about me, and not things like I masturbate to opera or sleep fully clothed. It's _bad_ and _dirty_ , just like me and I can't lose you yet. So could we just do what we've been doing, you know, just be this?" She begs, she couldn't tell him. Sure, she would, Buffy was fully aware that she would end up telling him, but not yet. She can't. She can't take that leap, _yet_.

He nods slowly, "Sure." He whispers and her heart melted. What was up with him and the no prying? God he wasn't real.

"Just one question, do you masturbate to opera." He asked and she rolled her eyes, grinning at him.

"No." She states and he nods.

"Okay." Both snicker, only to receive a stern look from the teacher.

Buffy cursed as she placed her bag into the front seat and the box of tampons fell out. She picked them up and stood, only to come face to face with Dickhead holding one in front of her face. Oh joy.

"Riley." Buffy grumbles, grabbing the necessity back and placing them all in her car.

"Where are you going, Buffy?" He asked leaning against her car.

"Elsewhere, jackass, move." She snapped, wanting to close her door, but not really wanting the lawsuit that would come from slamming his hand into the door jam. It was tempting, truly, but not worth it.

"I had a question." He informs her following her around the car as she pulls out her keys, doing her best to block out his annoying chatter.

"Good for you." Buffy says, opening the driver's door. He closes it and she growls, jamming his hand was looking more and more tempting by the minute.

"Go on a date with me." He says and it took her a moment, because she truly wasn't sure if he was serious and when she realized he was. She laughed. Shaking her head.

She pushes him back and opens the door again, "No, Riley." She states, disgusted by the very thought.

"Why not?" He asked and she shrugged.

"Well you see, when one is more interested in gouging their eyeballs out with rusty spoons than spending time in anther's company, they don't usually go on dates with said person." Buffy informs him and gets in the seat, he glares at her.

"You're a bitch." He says, like that's news. She rolls her eyes.

"Thanks for the fact Riley, but I have to be, oh right, anywhere else." She closes the door and he jumps back. She starts up the truck and pulls out of the driveway, shaking her head. God, what was with guys? Usually when the girl is mean to them, that's an actual sign of dislike, not a 'come and get me' sign. She sighed and pressed on the accelerator determined to put her mind off of all things Sunnydale. Unless those things possess chocolate brown eyes, of course.


	14. Chapter 14

"Do you ever think about where we go after we die?" Buffy asked, staring down at her hands as she sat in front of Kate on comfortable leather with her legs tucked under her bottom.

"What do you mean?" Kate returned, not sounding surprised but merely interested in Buffy's line of questioning.

"I mean the afterlife or God maybe even hell . . ." Her voice trailed off on an uncomfortable laugh as she shook her head.

"Never mind, just forget I asked. It's stupid." Buffy ran a hand through her locks glancing at the strands and deciding she was in need of a trim.

"Do you believe in any of that, Buffy? An afterlife, a God." Kate asked keeping her expression neutral like a robot. Yes, Kate reminded Buffy of a robot, one that knew how to shut out emotions and keep from sounding too human, while remaining poised and cool all the same.

"Perhaps a hell." She answered.

"Even before, we were never a religious family. I'm sure whatever God the church believes in frowns upon child abuse and neglect, but I had some of my own explanations for things. Like angels or stars." Buffy was becoming uncomfortable, these stories were things she talked to Spike and only Spike about, no one else knew them and she wasn't sure if she wanted to inform Kate of her childhood fantasies.

"Why do you say yes to a hell and not to a heaven?" Kate asked, sensing Buffy's anxiety and rearing the topic away from those memories.

"I don't know if I believe in either. I mean you live and you die, right? Only to be remembered in the memories of others, only forgotten if they let themselves forget." Buffy could feel the sting of tears behind her eyes and the burning of her throat was constricting and suffocating.

"So you don't believe in souls?" Kate asked, no judgement, just curiosity and perhaps even a little pity. Buffy loathed the emotion mainly because she knew how to wallow in it. Knew how weak you could become if you allow yourself to feel and drown within its embrace. When you admit just how pathetic things have become and just how sick life could get, that's what she hated, defeat.

"I believe that we live and we die and whatever comes in between is what we have. C'mon Kate, the God some people preach wouldn't allow a father to beat his kids or for a mother to protect him just to throw herself and her kids back to the wolves. A God wouldn't let a father possess sexual attraction to his daughter. No one and nothing is out there helping, not a damn thing." The tears had fallen through her rant. Her heart and stomach dipping in guilt as the words left her mouth.

Kate moved closer to Buffy, offering tissues that she refused by looking away. "My faith was a lot worse before that night. Something gave me Ethan and Beatrice, but I sacrificed my soul for it. Am I crazy? I have to be crazy, no one could come out of hell sane. No one could do what I did and be considered sane Kate." She cried her body shaking in hats sobs.

The robot seemed to disappear, replaced by the face of a woman Buffy had come to see over the years. A kind, selfless woman that only wanted to help. "I know, I get it, going through what you're going through and then adding becoming a teenager into it, it's a private hell. But you've already made it out, you've already survived. You're not crazy, Buffy, none of us know what we're capable of. You know what you're capable of and you're scared. I wish I had all the answers, I wish I knew exactly what to say that could make these feelings you have bottled up go away, but I don't. Only you can do that for yourself, I'm just here to guide you along, so stop being afraid of what you're feeling, embrace it so you can let it go."

Kate hadn't said much after that, no the girls were silent, lost in thought. When the timer went off it seemed to wake them both up from their staring contest, Buffy released a sigh and stood pulling on her leather boots before turning, pulling Kate into a hug. "Thank you, Kate." She whispered blinking away tears. Kate squeezed her back.

"Anytime, Buffy. I'll see you Saturday." She murmured and they separated. Buffy turned and left without a backwards glance. She wanted to go home and oddly, wanted to see Angel. In like a very, very big way. It brought a smile to her lips as the thought of seeing him again crossed her mind.

As she stepped out of the elevator and onto the fourth floor, to take the steps because being trapping in a metal box for the full time sounded like hell, nothing could have prepared her for what happened. Not Kate. Not a God. Nothing.

"Buffy!"

She slowly stilled her step and turned on her heel, beyond shocked at the tiny feminine voice. Tiny arms flung themselves around her waist as she buried her head in Buffy's shirt.

"Kathy?" Buffy breathed glancing down at the brunette wrapped around her.

"I don't want to go!" Kathy sobbed in her stomach. Buffy looked up and saw something she really didn't want to. Angel. Oh god. No. Oh please not yet.

Jenny, Giles, and Connor were there too. This isn't happening. This is absolute insanity. Then again, Kathy was walking around at night and this was the only therapeutic facility near Sunnydale, so it made sense. That didn't mean it was any less insane!

"Buffy, w-what are you doing here?" Kathy asked through her sniffles. Buffy just stared down into her big eyes, far too innocent.

"Um . . ." Buffy trailed off lamely.

"Kathy, please just come talk to the man." Jenny said softly trying get her daughter to release. Buffy's eyes lifted to see Dr. James.

"Hello, Sam." Buffy mumbled and Samuel James nodded in greeting.

"Perhaps the problem is male related. Why not just give her to Kate?" Buffy was working on autopilot while her mind races to figure out why in the hell she wasn't running very, very far and fast from here.

"I was thinking that as well, Buffy. But, alas, Kate is busy. You are doing each Saturday." He reminded her gently and Buffy internally cursed as she held onto Kathy's shoulders gently.

"I could speak to Kate." Buffy muttered, still trying to understand what the fuck she was doing.

"Well if you can get Kate to take her, that's alright with me. Joshua is in room 456 and I must return to him. Unfortunately, Mr. And Mrs. Giles your daughter has a serious issue and it needs to be dealt with in the best possible way and that way is Dr. Kate Hayes, Buffy will show you to her office." He flashed them a smile before hurrying off.

Obviously Joshua's attacks weren't getting any better, Buffy shook those thoughts away and tried to focus on this family in front of her. Oh god. Okay she needed to calm down, everything was going to be okay.

"Okay uh, this way." She muttered before leading them to the elevator, silently hoping she didn't have a panic attack.


	15. Chapter 15

Buffy held her breath as she waited for the buttons to change from four to six. It felt like a small eternity before the blessed ding rang in her ears and when it did she nearly sprinted from the elevator and down the hallway before coming to a halt, breathing heavily and banging on Kate's door. She swings it open and her face relaxes as she takes in Buffy. "Dear, Buffy, what can I do for you?" She asked, looking unamused by Buffy's rush.

Jenny cleared her throat, and Kate looked over at her, blinking. "Hello, I'm Jenny Giles, this is my husband, our son's Connor and Angel, along with our daughter Kathy." Jenny introduced and Kate gave them a kind smile.

"It's very nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Kate Hayes. I don't mean to be rude, but what is it that you need?" She asked, glancing over at Buffy. The poor girl looked ready to go hide under a rock. Kate inquired her.

"Buffy?" She asked and that seemed to snap the blonde out of her daze.

"Kathy needs a shrink and she doesn't like James so I pointed out that a female shrink would be more sufficient. Your name came up." Buffy said, wrapping her arms around her middle and shifting her weight, feeling the burn of Angel's eyes in the back of her head.

"Oh, alright then. Buffy we do every Saturday and unfortunately I'm not available any other days." She said, giving Kathy an apologetic look.

"She could split my sessions. You know use half of my hour every other Saturday." Buffy suggested, biting her bottom lip. Okay, now Kate was interested in why Buffy chose today to complete a random act of kindness.

"Buffy, did you leave my office. Go your normal route, see these people in need and decide to lend a helping hand out of the kindness of your heart?" Kate asked, head cocked to the side, arms crossed over her chest. Well, Buffy was offended.

"Yes, Kate, I've decided to take a piece of your advice and grow a soul." Buffy said, copying Kate's stance. Kate smiled softly and her eyes landed back on Jenny.

"Well, Mrs. Giles, please c'mon on in and we'll discuss details." Kate said and Jenny nodded, smiling and the two women start into a friendly conversation that Buffy tuned out as Kathy continues to grip Buffy's waist.

"C'mon, Kath." Jenny said softly and Kathy shook her head quickly.

"No, I want Buffy with me." Kathy pouted and Buffy glanced to the side while Kate stared, holding her clipboard.

"Alright. Buffy." Kate said, eyebrows rose expectantly.

"I have to pee." Buffy said and Kate squinted at the younger female.

"The hell you do, inside." She said, simply and Buffy glared before leading Kathy in and closing the door. Kathy climbed onto the couch between her brothers while her father and mother took a seat in the two person couch right opposite it and Kate was in the middle. Buffy leaned against the wall.

"Alright, so, Kathy what brings you to me today?" Kate asked, her usual happy exterior out full force. Kathy shrugged, hair covering her face.

"I walk around at night." Kathy confesses and Kate writes something down. Buffy moves silently behind her, seeing that no, Kate doesn't doodle, but writes down notes. Buffy nods impressed while Kate turns, tilting her head.

"Can I help you, B?" She asked and Buffy laughs, because this current situation was hysterical to her at the moment.

"Well you see, whenever you write something down I can't decide whether you're playing tic-tac-toe with yourself or just drawling squiggly lines so I decided to see what it was for myself." Buffy laughed with an assured nod. Kate nodded slowly.

"Are you satisfied?" She asked with a raised eyebrow and Buffy stilled her laughter, feeling heat overtake her body as she nods, turning and looking anywhere but at the people currently behind her.

"Alright, so you walk around at night. Do you just have too much energy, or . . .?" Kate left the sentence open for the little girl, she immediately shook her head, eyes wide.

"No, I just go to sleep and then I wake up somewhere else!" She exclaimed and Kate nodded.

"Okay, so you sleepwalk." She concluded.

"No shit." Buffy muttered under her breath, Kate cast her a sideways glare.

"Okay, Kathy, do you have nightmares?"

"Nope."

"Do you wake up, do you know you're walking away?" Kate asked and Kathy shook her head, shrugging.

Buffy was playing with some ship carving on Kate's desk when Kathy informed her, "Buffy found me a couple weeks ago, ask her."

The ship goes over and into Kate's empty trash can while Buffy sits on the ground and looks up at Kate, who blinked down at her.

"Have you had more than the usual five cups of coffee?" Kate asked, giving the younger girl a look of pure exasperation.

"No, Kate, these are my next door neighbors, I just didn't expect them to arrive at the place I seek professional help." Buffy throws her hands into the air and stood up while Kate turned her attention back to Kathy.

"Well, I've already heard about that night, Kathy. So, do you truly hold no recollection of how you got outside?" Kate asked, looking a little hopeful.

"No I don't. I already told mommy and daddy this." She said exasperated. Buffy was getting impatient. Kate was stalling the actual questions she wanted to ask because the parents were in the room, but Buffy didn't really give a damn about that.

"Kathy, come draw with me." Buffy said moving toward the table and Kathy jumped up and got onto her knees, next to Buffy. Buffy grabbed the coloring notebook and handed it to her along with crayons.

"What's your favorite color?" Buffy murmured and Kathy shrugged.

"Blue. I _love_ blue." She said with an assured nod.

"Kathy has anyone ever hit you?" Buffy asked and her parents were about to protest, but Kate settled them down before they could get a word out.

"No." She said, looking confused as she continued to color.

"How about touch you? Has anyone ever touched you in a way that you didn't like?" Buffy asked and Kathy glanced at her before going back to her coloring.

"I don't want to talk about it." She snapped and Buffy nodded looking back down at her own blank notebook paper.

"Yeah I know, I absolutely _hate_ talking about bullshit in the past." Buffy murmured and lowered her voice and face closer to Kathy.

"Is he in the room, Kath?" Buffy whispered and Kathy stilled, before staring at Buffy with wide eyes.

"No, he's in jail." Kathy said, blinking and relief flooded Buffy like a tidal wave.

"Alright, so someone did touch you." Buffy whispered and her wide eyes grew wider as she sputtered.

"Yes. It was gross, I didn't like it. Angel came home early and saw, he hurt him, there was _so_ much blood. Cops came and Angel got put in handcuffs. Uncle Davis didn't wake up for four weeks! Angel only got out of trouble because daddy has friends and I told what Uncle Davis did." Kathy explained and Buffy looked up at Kate. Kate's eyes lowered and she inhaled, before clearing her throat, rolling over to her desk.

"Alright, Ms. Kathy, love." Kate said and Kathy looked up.

"Yes?" She asked.

"I'd like you to go with Buffy across the hall for a moment while I speak to your parents and brothers, okay?" Kate said softly and Buffy lifted Kathy up and walked her out of the room. She didn't like where this was going. Not in one bit. This little girl started to resemble Dawn more and more and Buffy's protection was growing stronger day by day.

After dropping Kathy off with the receptionist across the hall, Buffy barged into the room. "Okay, so let me get this straight, your daughter is molested by one of your brothers, your son does some large catastrophic thing right in front of her, _a long time ago_ and you don't get her therapy?" Buffy couldn't keep the judgment out of her tone. Mainly because she judged them, but then again, she really couldn't find a way to care about that either.

"It happened two years ago and we got her help, but nothing worked and she seemed fine-." Buffy cut this woman off.

"Okay, lady, not only is that view point pure insanity it's just plain stupid. A man sexually assaulted her, she was in shock, she most likely didn't even know what sex was!" Buffy was yelling now and Kate decided to break in, grabbing Buffy's shoulders.

"Buffy, stop it. Okay? Not everyone knows how to deal with things like this, now just calm down." Kate exclaimed, holding Buffy back, but she wasn't done.

"She was molested and she watched the man get beaten badly enough that he ended up in a _four_ _month coma_ , you don't think that needed a little bit more attention?!" Buffy screamed, but Kate pushed her back.

"You're treating them like they're the criminals, Buffy, you're too biased in this case, now I'm only going to ask you this once. Go home or I will have Sam come up here, sedate you and then bring you home." There was nothing about her voice or her face that could give Buffy leverage to question that she would do just that, because she would.

With a grunt, Buffy turned and stormed from the office. Dawn and Spike flooded her mind. These people have a situation that placed so much anger and hatred inside Buffy's soul that her line of fire was merely directed at them by default. She didn't blame them, you can't control what others do. Angel put a man in a coma over his own hatred, so obviously he wasn't some creep. She supposed she could shove that insecurity from her mind, although she did just call them all out for his sister's abuse, so she wasn't so sure there would be a reason to have insecurities over him, when there might not even be a him to feel insecure about anymore. God she fucked up. She fucked up, royally, leaving a large pile of bullshit in her wake.


	16. Chapter 16

Okay so as far as scenes go, it wasn't her worst. No dead bodies were thrown to the ground, no homicidal thoughts, and no complete freak out . . . Well the last one was debatable, but it wasn't the worst freak-out she'd ever had. Buffy sat in her jeep in front of her house, glancing at the digital clock, she noticed it was 3 am. She sunk lower in her seat and turned off her car completely, allowing herself to forget the time.

Out of her side vision she took in the black SUV that pulled into the Giles' driveway. She knew it was them, she wasn't stupid, but it still surprised her. Why did they make the drive back so late in the day? She'd been sitting out here for over five hours trying to gain enough energy to just open the door and walk inside, but she was emotionally drained, exhaustion overtook her body, leaving her immobile yet wide awake. Has she mentioned how much of a bitch insomnia is? Well it is. A dirty, slutty bitch and she loathed it with every fiber of her being.

A soft knock on her window jolted her from the scatter-brain thoughts. She opened the door and slid out coming face to face with Jenny Giles. "Do you like coffee, Buffy?" The question was utterly hysterically hilarious to her at the moment, but alas, all energy drained and all she could do was stare. Functioning like a robot wasn't going to work anymore, she didn't feel tethered to this realm of existence. She felt like with one blow or one word she could float away get swallowed up in the wind and if she was being honest, the idea didn't seem too bad to her.

She followed Jenny into her house noticing Connor carrying a passed out Kathy up the steps. Buffy didn't acknowledge Angel's presence. "Kate told us that you have experience with children who sleep walk." Jenny announced while Buffy glanced around their living room. It was homey, casual and quaint, not exactly what she had envisioned.

Buffy didn't bother answering or correcting Jenny so the brunette continued. "She said that you were able to contain it, help the person no longer experience the episodes." Buffy continued to just stare at her. Was she having an attack? She didn't know, what she did know was that standing in their entry way, blankly staring at the lady of the house, was not a good thing.

"Buffy." Angel's voice seemed to snap her out of whatever the fuck that was, she was going to blame the insomnia.

"I can tell you what I think is causing it, but I'm not saying I'm going to help." What else was she supposed to say? Sorry, your daughter reminds me of my dead sister and well it makes me want to kill myself being around her.

Yeah that wasn't to going to work. "Alright what's your theory?" Jenny asked as Connor entered the living room and stood next to Angel.

"Did it happen in this house?" Buffy asked and Jenny stared at her.

"Yes." Jenny said, clearing her throat.

"It's her subconscious trying to get away. She leaves this house, leaves her room. The abuse doesn't always just effect the outside of one's body. It must have manifested into PTSD and the side-effect was sleepwalking. It's a kind of defense mechanism that was built into her soul, she's protecting herself because she believes no one else will." Buffy shrugged feeling the need to just go pass out but knowing she won't be able to. It was a private hell. Her entire existence was a private hell.

"We'll protect her, she knows that." Giles says and Buffy couldn't contain the snort.

"Right, like you protected her when the prick was sneaking into her room as you all slept. I'm guessing he only came around on holidays? Didn't you notice the withdrawal attributes during those times?" Buffy asked, not really needing an answer that was obviously, no.

Jenny swallowed, "Buffy you have to understand that we had absolutely no idea what was happening. Sure Kathy lost a few of her qualities but she always seemed happy. I don't deny our blindness and believe me we all live with the regret." Okay. Now Buffy felt like a bitch. There it was, the guilt that usually came at judging others. She had no right too, not one right, especially since once upon a time, she lived in a family that were also blinded by the abuse her and her siblings suffered at the hands of her parents.

Although, Some might argue that it was her right to judge, for she was the one suffering in the fires of hell by the devil himself. "Jenny. This abuse, it's going to stick with her forever, it's not just going to go away or fade over time. She will always have that instinct of knowing when a man is danger and one could argue that this is a good instinct to have, but that's not always the case, because it also blinds the possessor of seeing good men because they're always looking for the bad. A naivety has been taken from her and it's one she'll never get back. That's where therapy comes into play, she talks about it with someone who she doesn't live with. She gets it out of her system. Running. Writing. Drawing. Something to take her mind off of it, because if you think for one instant that the abuse doesn't relay in her head every second of every day, your dumber than I gave you credit for."

"Buffy, you're not being fair, we're not the abusers here-" she cut Giles off.

"Your ignorance of the abuse, pushing it back, feeling as though she is all better or whatever, well that's just as bad as the abuse itself. You can't not acknowledge it just because it hurts you. She's what? Ten? It's going to simmer, okay? The fear is going to turn into self-hatred, the anger is going to turn into resentment, and the fire is going to burn out and into her just giving up. Giving up is easier than fighting and believe me if no one had come in and tried with me, I would be dead. If you don't try, if you don't listen, I'm sorry, but your going to lose Kathy more than you already have." With that Buffy left their house. What. Was. She. Doing?

Did she not have her own shit to deal with?! Of course she did, hell she still wasn't even dealing with it and now these people wanted answers to questions Buffy didn't even want to hear. Ignorance was bliss and damn if she wasn't swimming in it.

Buffy stared at herself in the mirror. Ugly. She knew she physically wasn't. One could even call her outwards appearance beautiful, but on the inside she felt hideous, broken, and empty. Was this the Giles' fault? Bringing Kathy into her life and reminding her just how excruciating the pain of losing Dawn was. The pain of losing them all.

The emptiness was deafening. She couldn't feel anything. She needed to feel something, something to remind her that she was still here. Numbly, she walked over to the side of her bed and lifted up a loose floor board she had found on moving day. Grabbing the small green chest, she opens it and shifted through a few belongings until she got to the bottom. A simple silver, sharp razor rested in her palm.

Leaning back against the wall, she searched for a reason not to do this. Her brother, sister, mother, and father all bled to death or experienced excruciating pain before they died, why was she the one that got only emotional pain? Didn't she deserve to feel Dawn and Spike's agony? One cut, for not bending to her father's will that night. Another for letting Spike snap and throw the first punch. Again, for Dawn's cries, again for her mother's silence. Four more for all of their lives.

Tears streamed down her face as her senses slowly came back to life. The smell of rust, and the sight of blood beading out of the shallow cuts along her upper forearm. Eight in a vertical line, red and angry. Touch, the feel of the burning sting reminding her she existed, she was here.

Hearing the fan, as air pushed through the vent. Tasting the bile that rose as the first sob escaped her throat. The razor dropped from her hand as the sobbing continued. She ran, stumbling into the bathroom.

Rinsing her arm under the water from the sink faucet, the cuts weren't that deep, they would scab over by tomorrow morning. The evidence of puffy skin would leave in a few weeks after being lathered by lotion, she wasn't worried about the marks. She was freaking out because she'd come around full circle. She'd gone back to cutting, to hurting herself, gone back to needing the pain. Something she swore she would never need again, she was wrong.

She wished she could blame the family next door. She wished she could blame the universe or perhaps even her father, in fact, one could very much argue that it is every single one of their faults, but the reality of it? She could honestly only blame herself for her own ignorance of her pain, not accepting their deaths, not accepting her own abuse, it was holding her back. What's that old saying? Easier said then done.

Isn't that the goddamned truth.


	17. Chapter 17

Buffy stood in front of the large water fountain that was smack dab in the middle of Sunnydale. She wore a pair of high waisted shorts and a long sleeved tank top. After taking a shower this morning, she found Beatrice staring at the razor she had dropped and apparently forgotten the night before. It had not been a good morning, but she wasn't mad. Buffy would have preferred it if she was mad, but she said wasn't. It was worse. She was worried. Beyond worried because Beatrice knew Buffy hated needing the pain. Which meant Beatrice knew just how bad it must have gotten for her to resort to the pain again.

Beatrice hadn't pushed, nor had she given a lecture, she'd placed the razor on the bedside table. Planted a kiss on Buffy's cheek and left the room. Buffy knew the only reason she had left the razor was to prove to Buffy and herself that Buffy could control the urge. Prove that she was strong enough to. In all honesty, Buffy hated that she resorted to the pain again, but she still didn't know if she could control it.

The water reminded her of diamonds shooting toward the sky, only to be brought down with the force of gravity. Grounded. We're we all grounded? Humans? Was every single person that walked around, the popular ones, the pretty ones, the smart ones, the quiet ones; were they all locked in their own cage? Buffy was going to say yes. Yes they were. A quote shined in her head, one Spike told her he had lived by.

"We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils."

So yes, everyone had their own personal hell. Everyone lived in it. Everyone experienced pain and anguish. Some were just worse than others, but hell is hell and pain is pain. Just because circumstances are worse or different doesn't mean another's pain has to be less, it just means they won't understand the other's experiences. Yes, those words breathe more truth than a slap in the face, same hell just different devils.

"Buffy!" An excited voice snapped Buffy from her emotional thoughts and she turned, her black heels clicked on the stone ground as she set one foot down. Kathy was grinning as she ran over, her long dark hair flowing behind her with wide blue eyes shinning, nearly glowing in the afternoon sun.

"Hey." She greeted the younger girl who, didn't bother with pleasantries and immediately launched into a hug. Buffy held onto her shoulders, shock and bewilderment spinning around in her stomach, mixing into simple pain, staying there and darkening her mood. She didn't want to think about how her hair resembles Dawn's or how her smile lights up the entire street, like Dawn's had. Yeah, it wasn't working.

This girl oozed Dawn, and Buffy wasn't sure comparing her to her dead sister was healthy. It most likely wasn't. "What are you doing? I like your shorts, they're really short, I want a pair but mom said that they were too inappropriate, but they're so comfortable and really pretty. I liked the way they shaped my butt." Um . . . Buffy didn't know what to say to that. This girl could talk, Kate would have fun.

"So?" Kathy asked, wait there was a question in all of that? Buffy searched her brain quickly. Oh, right, what she was doing.

"Oh, um, just out for the day, my friend from L.A. Is visiting and let's just say she wants the spa." Buffy informed her, noticing Connor, Angel, and Jenny sprinting around the corner, Angel's face relaxed before hardening as he jogged up next to Kathy, beating his brother and mom by a few yards, oh boy. He ran fast, why did that turn her on?! Because she was insane.

Oh yes, she'd finally lost it, bound to happen, and of course of all the things that could have thrown her over, it was piercing brown eyes that finally tipped her from the edge reality. Leaving her a hot aching mess. Damn him.

"Kathy don't you ever run away again." Jenny panted when she caught up and Kathy shrugged before nodding.

"Can I meet your friend?" Kathy asked, ignoring her family. Buffy thought about it, until she remembered what said 'friend' was wearing. Suddenly a body slammed into hers as arms wrapped tightly around her neck and a deafening squeal rammed into her ear.

"I got a deal, a deal, oh yes baby, I got a deal!" Faith sang dancing around Buffy who kept her eyes on an intrigued Kathy.

Faith wore leather shorts that barely existed and a thin white crop top that seemed to do the job of hiding her ample breasts, with combat boots to top off the look. Buffy loved, adored Faith, but she wasn't someone you wanted hanging around a ten year old as an influence.

"Is this your friend, Buffy?" Kathy asked and Faith looked down at the girl, before awing and wrapping her arms around Buffy's neck and planting a loud, wet smooch on her cheek.

"You called me your friend, honestly B, I'm flattered, but I prefer girlfriend." Faith said flashing Kathy a smile.

"She's ten." Buffy hissed finding this situation flabbergasting because Faith would die without penises. Or any male companionship for that matter.

"And I used the word friend, loosely." Buffy informed her, only to receive a wink in return. Ever love and absolutely hate someone at the same time? Yeah, that was her relationship with Faith.

"You two are dating?" Kathy asked and yes Faith was done with that game. Faith shook her head.

"No, kid, B here needs to find a guy to lose her V-card too, and well I like boys." Faith said, blunt as always and revealing secrets in front of people that she didn't actually want hearing said secrets.

Buffy looked up at the sky and shook her head, "Something kill me, right now." She grumbled and Faith laughed wrapping an arm around Buffy's waist.

"Oh Buff, don't lose your head, you know no one's up there listening." Faith patted her stomach and all Buffy could do was grunt as she crossed her arms.

"You don't believe in God, Faith?" Kathy asked and Faith cats a sidelong look to Buffy, as if to say, 'this was the girl who got molested, right?' Buffy didn't answer nor did she even react to the questioning gaze. Faith snapped out of it quickly.

"Naah, sweets, I don't believe in God." Faith said, unashamed. Kathy looked from her to Buffy.

"Do you believe in God?" Kathy asked and Buffy didn't respond, she just a stared straight ahead arms crossed, Faith cleared her throat.

"So Kathy? Was it? I'm Faith it's nice to meet you." She said holding out her hand and Kathy smiled, leaving the conversation as Faith changed the subject.

"Why are you wearing that?" Kathy asked and Faith wasn't offended in the least.

"It's hot and if you got it, flaunt it." Faith said striking a pose that had Kathy giggling, yes, Buffy wasn't surprised Kathy liked Faith, her energy was like a magnet. It what drew Buffy to her.

The outfit was incredibly racy, but Faith pulled it off, no one else could, but Faith did. "Buffy's got it and she doesn't flaunt it." Kathy pointed out and Faith shrugged.

"Sure she does, you're just not around, but a prude couldn't pull off these shorts." Faith slapped Buffy's ass, shocking her so much that she launched forward. Causing strong, warm hands to grip her sides and keep her steady. Buffy didn't look up, nor did she move. She couldn't look into his eyes and see coldness, she also couldn't pull away from the excruciatingly good feeling being near him invoked inside of her.

Realizing that she had to move, she stepped back, avoiding his eyes. She could live without the warmth, it hurt, but she could do it. Seeing the evidence of the cold in his eyes, that would have killed her. She stood next to Faith before gripping her forearm, a sign that screamed, they had to go.

Faith continued to talk to Kathy, but Buffy was suffocating. She dug her nails hard into Faith's skin and the girl barely blinked, but she knew Buffy was losing it. When her nails dug harder a second later, Faith flinched and gave a hasty goodbye before pulling Buffy off, her arms wrapped around the blond's neck. Whispering against her ear, "B, is that him? Because oh-my-fucking-God, he's gorgeous. That boy is no boy, he's all man. I cannot believe you kissed that and had that rock hard body pressed against you, God how do you not jump him every time you're in his presence?" She asked, nearly talking to herself now.

Buffy didn't have the answer to her question. Because in all honesty she didn't know, what she did know was that as she got farther and farther away from them, her throat loosened and she was able to breathe again, yet as the distance between her and Angel lengthened the pain settled back inside her body. What if he healed her? What if he also destroyed her? Can one person be both a salvation and a destruction?


	18. Chapter 18

Buffy walked out of her house and inhaled the fresh night air. She sat on the first step of the porch and wrapped her arms around her knees looking up at the sky. In the city, there's so much smog that you couldn't make out anything but darkness, here the sky lights up with twinkling stars. She smiled softly before turning her head, Angel stood a few feet away from her.

He sat down on the ground and rubbed his hands together, "Your sister asked me if I believed in God today." She whispers, not surprised when he says nothing.

"The answer is no, I don't, I don't believe in some large mythical man staring down at us and dictating the lives of everyone on the planet. That's too many souls, too many stories to be told. However, I do believe that stars aren't just big floating balls of gas, I believe that they're souls. There a literally billions of stars and frankly I'm not a science girl so . . . My theory is that when we die we do go up to the sky, just not to pearly white gates to collect angel wings, but so that are essence can light up the darkness of night." The confession poured out of her easily, reminding her yet again just how easy it is to talk to this guy.

She'd never told anyone that, sure Dawn and Spike had known she thought souls were stars, but never why. Angel looked back at her, meeting her eyes, she held her breath because all she saw was warmth. Perhaps a little worry, but warmth. No coldness, no indifference, just warmth. Relief flooded through her veins as if someone had shot a needle in her arm. It was heavenly and she gave him a small smile.

"Remember when you told me that Ethan and Beatrice aren't you're real parents?" His smooth voice asked and she nodded wanting him to speak again. Needing to hear the sound of his voice.

"Well, Giles isn't my actual dad, my mom had Connor and me with another man before she met and married Giles. They had Kathy together." He confessed, head tilted back as he stared up at the stars.

"Beatrice and Ethan are my adoptive parents, I have no relation to them by blood. Actually I have no blood relation out there. I'm the last Summers." Buffy slide down to sit next to him, his warmth radiated around her, wrapping her up in a cocoon of safety.

"My dad was a mean man Buffy, believe me, I might not know everything about you, but I do know the hatred and wrath of a parent. If you're worried I'll be disgusted or that I'll pity you, don't. It's insulting." There was a seriousness and a teasing glint in his eyes. She didn't know how to respond to that. She didn't know what he wanted her to say.

"My dad was abusive and my mom let it happen. One night three years ago, I lost my brother and sister along with my mother and father in a night filled with so much violence and death it's nearly unbelievable." Buffy rubbed her hands over her thighs and swallowed past the lump.

"Please, don't make me say anymore." Her voice wavered and cracked as she tried her hardest to hold off the stinging tears that pooled in her eyes. He grabbed her waist and pulled her onto his lap, wiping wiping the stray tears with his thumbs.

"I'm not going to force you to tell me anything, Buffy, but you will tell me all of it, one day." He said with so much conviction she couldn't stop the wariness.

"What makes you so sure?" She asks, crossing her arms and he shrugs.

"Because you're going to see that I'm never, ever going to let anyone or anything hurt you. Not even me." She searched for the dishonesty or trickery, but all she saw was unbridled sincerity. Oh boy.

Buffy walked along the halls of Sunnydale high when Angel appeared at her side, "Well hi there." Buffy said sweetly and he smirked glancing down at her.

"You're so small." He murmured trailing his hands along before around her waist pulling her against him.

"Am I?" Buffy asked through a soft laugh.

"Sure, but you're also curvy and sexy as all hell." He said simply and the tell-tale heat burned behind her cheeks as she rolled her eyes, trying to deny that his serious yet flirty confession did anything to her.

"Yeah well, ever think that you're just too tall and pretty that everyone seems sexy as hell to you?" She really didn't understand what she just said, he didn't look like he did either, but that didn't stop him from grinning like a fucking maniac. He kissed her nose gently.

"You're adorable." He informed her and then hands wrenched her away from him, she squeaked and relaxed when she came face to face with Connor.

"What the hell?" Angel growled from behind her, Connor merely shrugged.

"Rocking those rhinestones I see." Connor said giving her a wink and she momentarily regretted wearing the pair of black high waisted shorts with rhinestones around the pockets.

"Connor stop trying to butter me up, I'm not a piece of bread, what do you need?" Buffy asked and he sighed, rolling his eyes in defeat.

"Did your friend go back to L.A.? Faith?" He asks, shocking the hell out of her.

"Connor, I love Faith, I do, but she's a slut and proud of it, she would literally destroy you." Buffy said, confused as to why this sweet boy would want someone like her. Faith was damaged and she needed to deal with herself, not to mention she didn't do relationships.

"I don't know, she's hot and funny, I just wanted to get to know her more." He said simply and Buffy bit her bottom lip.

"Connor, you're sweet, really, but you're sixteen? She's eighteen and frankly she doesn't do relationships. She hooks up, no-strings sex, that's all, nothing more, nothing less." Not that Buffy thought you could go any less than that, well, besides rape, but Faith wasn't a bad person and Buffy was one-hundred percent positive she wouldn't rape anyone.

"Buffy, I'm a teenage boy, of course I want no-strings attached sex, it's like a dream." He says and she just stared at him before turning and walking away.

"So, she went to L.A., when you and Angel take Kathy to that thing on Saturday can I come and you know, you introduce us?" Connor asked and Buffy scoffed before stopping and looking up at Angel.

"What do you mean 'Angel and you take Kathy to that thing' what thing?" She demands still glaring at Angel.

He shifted under her gaze. "I was going to ask you about that later. My mom wanted to know if, you know, we could just come with you to see Kate for Kathy's session." Angel said and Buffy blinked, he was coming? Why? She wanted to stomp her foot like a child and throw a tantrum, but she didn't.

She kept calm, "Yeah, sure that's fine." Buffy shrugged and walked away from the brothers. She barely got to English class before Angel's arm wrapped around her and pushed her into the lockers. The tips of his fingers hold the side of her head and he bends pressing his lips to hers. She wraps her arms around his waist, pressing up on her toes to get a deeper angle.

His tongue teases her lips, but she doesn't let him in, until he pressed harder, demanding entrance. His dominance caused her body to engulf in flames as her mouth opened. His tongue tasted like mint and ginger. She suddenly wasn't in the hallway, she wasn't in this school or on this earth. She was flying and it was heavenly.

"Ms. Summers! Mr. O'Connor!" They jolted apart to see their English teacher, whose name has been momentarily forgotten, looking rather pissed off. And stunned.

"Get in class, now." He demanded and they both shuffled past him, trying not to laugh. Angel sat at his desk and Buffy smirked taking her seat. After class started, Buffy got a text.

Angel: You taste like strawberries.


	19. Chapter 19

"Angel!" Buffy squealed as he found the ticklish spot on her side. She gasped out laughter as he continued to reach over and drive at the same time. Kathy was in hysterics in the back as she cheered him on.

"Alright, so do you admit that I know how to make you laugh?" Angel asked, giving her a stern look. Buffy bit her bottom lip, trying not to laugh as she nodded, giving in. Something she really never did. She gave in and she wanted to. She smiled and leaned back against her seat as Kathy leaned forward.

"You two are silly." She says and Angel smirks, raising an eyebrow as he got off at the exit.

"Is that so, squirt?" Angel asked and Kathy just nodded, turning on the radio. Buffy wasn't paying attention to the song or their conversation. Her mind was on the last week, the fun she'd been having with Angel. On more than one occasion she'd caught herself not thinking about anything related with abuse, death, or pain. It was surprisingly refreshing to just be the girl hanging out with her . . . _err . . ._ boyfriend? Yeah, they hadn't labeled it and that was just fine with Buffy, at least, she hoped.

They went to the beach, a local club called the Bronze, got ice cream, bitched over school and it was all normal. She knew it wouldn't last long, this bliss, but it was keeping her from needing the pain, so . . . she'd take it.

She had thirty minutes to talk to Kate today and it seemed like too much time for the bombshell she was going to drop on the older woman. Buffy even thought about not telling her about how the need for pain resurfaced, but then she realized that around Kate, nothing stayed secret.

She bit her nail as she glanced over at Angel. Something settled in the pit of her stomach. _Anxiety_. It's been driving her nuts. The horror of losing him. It's insane and irrational to even think that, but she did. She was terrified one day he'd wake up and realize that he really didn't need her. That he could do better. She rubbed the area between her eyes before crossing her legs and cracking her neck.

Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. Angel was one of the good ones. She knew it. Although . . . there was _something_ about him. A darkness, maybe? It lingered at points. Surrounding him in an intensity that's as terrifying as it is exciting. Sometimes, when they're surrounded by a lot of people she could see it cross his vision. Like a beast trying to break free. One he's always fighting.

She shook her head of those thoughts, silently chastising herself. Now, she _was_ being paranoid. Swallowing as they pulled into the parking lot. Shame overtook her. She didn't want to see the disappointment in Kate's eyes. She didn't want to feel the anxiety crawling up her throat as they walked through the vacant first floor. They took the elevator and Buffy was extremely surprised that she made it all the way up without needing to stop. That could also have something to do with Angel's fingers laced in hers.

She was nearly bouncing when they got to Shelly, a cute and bubbly receptionist. "Oh Buffy! Good to see you." She says with a kind smile. Shelly was literally the most human and sweetest person Buffy had ever met. The girl had the soul of a saint and the body of a sinner, it was a weird combination.

"Hey, Kate." She said, nodding and Shelly nodded, knowing that was basically. 'Sign me in.' Yeah they didn't really have a friendship. More along the lines of a 'oh yeah, you're here. I'll let you go see your therapist, now' companionship.

"Alright, you two wait in here and I'll be back in a half an hour." Buffy said and Kathy nodded skipping off. Angel grabbed her forearm, spinning her around as she had just turned away from him. Their lips met, the immediate spark had shocked her enough into gasping against his mouth, immediately allowing his tongue to invade and explore. The kiss wasn't long. Perhaps a few seconds, but the heat and passion had Buffy's legs turning to jelly.

"See you in thirty." He murmured huskily, resting his forehead on hers. She barely nodded, eyes shut.

"Okay." She breathed before numbly turning around and walking to Kate's office. She was grinning like the town fool as she walked through the door. The therapist looked up from her desk and gave Buffy a smile, her face mixing with confusion and amusement at the beaming blonde that walked into her office and removed her leather boots.

"Nice to see you, Buffy." Kate said through a soft laugh as Buffy danced over to her couch and sat down with a fulfilled sigh. She brought her knees to her chest.

"I think I'm falling in love." Buffy whispered, a confession that brought a blush to her cheek. Kate's eyebrows rose to her hairline as she moved over to sit in front of Buffy.

"Really?" She asked, crossing her legs and Buffy nodded, happily.

"Yes. He kissed me . . . dozens of times." Buffy laughed and Kate smiled, her body shaking in amusement.

"Is that so? Getting really serious? Or . . .?" Kate trailed off and Buffy shrugged.

"We haven't labeled anything yet, but I think he really likes me and I really like him. So it's good, I don't want to push or ruin this right now. I'm comfortable." Buffy said with an assured nod, as if she'd just figured out her own feelings.

"And happy." Kate said, smiling widely. That only had the smile leaving Buffy's face. Kate became apprehensive.

"What? What did I say?" Kate asked, sitting up straighter and Buffy stared at her. Shame circling around in her chest. She grabbed her jacket and shrugged it off, wrapping her arms around her middle.

"I had a bad day, last Sunday." She confessed and Kate nodded, glancing down at Buffy's covered arms.

"Okay, what happened?" Kate asked, head cocked to the side.

"I realized that my next door neighbor was sexually abused by a man she was supposed to trust. You told Jenny that I had 'experience' with kids who sleepwalk." Buffy gave Kate a 'what the fuck' look and Kate leaned back reaching over and grabbing her clipboard, realizing that this wasn't going to be just a sweet visit anymore. Shit happened.

"That's all I said. Didn't say anything about Dawn or your family or your past. All I said, was that you knew how to handle children in this situation because you helped someone in the past. That's it, no names, no information. We have a very trusting relationship, Buffy, I hope you know that." Kate said, her eyes sincere.

"I cut." Buffy confessed, staring at her thighs. She let her left arm fall, exposing the puffy, pink lines in a line down her forearm. Kate stared at them for a moment, dread settling in the pit of her stomach.

"Anywhere else? Shoulders? Thighs? Your neck again?" Kate asked, keeping her face and voice neutral even as horrified dread continued to settle.

"No, just these. Eight cuts." Buffy mumbled. Astonished at how she went from being on the top of the world to being in the pit of hell. She felt crazy. She felt _beyond_ crazy. She felt lost.

"Why? What do they represent?" Kate asked, writing something down. Buffy wiped a tear, sniffing.

"After it first happened, when I was cutting every day. I felt numb. The pain it reminded me that I was real, that I was here. After I started the running and getting closer to Beatrice and Ethan, the numbness dulled. I pushed it away. I didn't let that fucking paralyzing feeling back in. It would not win." Buffy said, tears blurring her vision as she stared through the glass coffee table.

"What brought it back?" Kate asked, gently. Her voice barely above a whisper.

"Kathy. All of the memories of Dawn and Spike, they just kept floating back. Fuck, Kate. I look at that little girl out there and she's suddenly replaced with chocolate brown hair and emerald green eyes. I can't seem to stop seeing Dawn." Buffy whispered, wiping the tears and leaning back, pulling her legs to her chest.

"Do we need to get you committed again, Buffy?" Kate asked simply, and Buffy's eyes snapped up. _Committed_. At the hospital's psychiatric facility. She'd went there the time she'd tried to commit suicide. The numbness had completely taken over and she took the razor a little too hard to her skin. Puncturing an artery.

She could remember the euphoria of losing consciousness. Like she was finally free, before complete dread overtook her body at Ethan's voice, pleading with her to keep strong. Keep strong. That's when she realized. Suicide. Some might have legit explanations, but to her, it was a coward's escape. Like they were letting someone else win. The bullies, the abusers, or the people that just didn't understand. She'd made a promise to herself then, that she would never do something like that again. She would never let someone else take her life into their hands.

Not God. Not their deaths, and sure as hell not her father. He controlled her enough alive, she'd been damned if she let him do it beyond the grave. "No. Kate, I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to go anywhere. I understand, the cutting. You know me. But it's never going to get that bad again, no matter what that little girl out there does to me. I'm never going to that weak point again. I'm still trying to figure out how to live and frankly, I'm not going to throw that away before I've even found it. So no, no need to commit me and Beatrice knows. I'll be telling Ethan when I get back." Buffy confessed and leaned back.

"This numbness you feel Buffy. It could just be a defense mechanism. You shutting out your feelings. If you ever get that again, I want you to do something for me." Kate said and Buffy looked up.

"What?" She asked and Kate shrugged.

"Let the pain in. Let it consume you, let it drown you and once you let that pain take over. You'll learn how to swim through it, you'll learn how to live through it, and when you do that? You'll learn how to let it go."


	20. Chapter 20

Ethan's reaction broke Buffy's heart. Like Beatrice he didn't yell or rage he just stared at her, his face void of any emotion. "Ethan." Buffy whispered, the guilt was overwhelming her. Guilt at needing the pain again and guilt at obviously hurting two of the most important people in her life.

Ethan stood up and made his way over to her, he sat down and took her hand in his. "Buffy, I trust you. A lot, I trust you so much, but I need to know if I'm at risk of losing you again, because I won't allow that to happen to me, Beatrice, or even you. Not again." He said, his eyes holding hers. He looked very much like a worried father.

"You're not at risk, Ethan, I'm okay. I swear." Buffy promises and he pulls her to him. He smelled like cinnamon and warmth. It was a comforting scent, one that Buffy found to be a center point for one thing; family.

"I love you." Buffy whispers. It was so soft that she briefly wondered if he'd even heard it. Until he tensed. She smiled in the realization that he was trying not to react. He was keeping it calm for her benefit and she really, really loved him for it. She turned her head to see Beatrice. The woman sat with tear filled eyes and Buffy watched her, she no longer felt the fear or anxiety of losing them with the words.

"I love you." She said to Beatrice.

"I love you both." Buffy confessed on a sigh and before she could have a moment to react to her own confession. Beatrice was on top of her squealing.

"We love you too!" The brunette yelled and Ethan let a stunned laugh loose while bringing both girls closer to him and allowing them to rest on his lap.

"Yeah, I love you too, my girls." Ethan whispered kissing both of their heads and Buffy smiled. She felt at peace. Really, truly at peace.

* * *

For the next month, Buffy settled into a routine. Running from five to six, school (mainly flirting with Angel in and between classes), Bronze after school, and Kate every Saturday with Kathy and also Angel. Life was good and by good she meant _great_. The only problem and in her reality this was the nuclear fusion of all problems, but it in some moment in her perfectly organized routine her heart and soul decided to do something incredibly stupid; fall in love.

Not falling, she'd been falling in love with Angel since the moment he called her princess, no she wasn't falling; she fell. Completely, she hit the bottom with a splat. She loved him. Period. End of story. Game over.

This realization was made at two in the morning, the exact time she got up and ran about half a mile. She was worried, worried that he didn't reciprocate. Worried that he was going to become some type of weakness for her, oh yeah, and worried that when she finally did drop the mega sized bomb of her fucked up past, that he was going to run away, with her heart.

Buffy slowed down about thirty meters from her house. Sweat drenched her body and air was robbed from her lungs. Running was starting to become harder and harder because it made her think. Once upon a time thinking was what got the bad memories out, and right now, bad memories are mixed with a confusing present.

"AHHH!"

The loud scream hit her ears just as she passed Angel's home. Yelling and cursing roared from the inside and it was so loud that Buffy's commons sense switched off and her instincts kicked in full drive. She took off toward the house, but the front door was locked. Not thinking, barely even seeing. She stepped back and raised her leg, putting enough pressure when she kicked to break the door open. She ran up the steps toward the yelling.

"Kathy open the fucking door!" Angel roared from outside banging on it. Connor was calling her name while Jenny was sobbing. Giles was on the phone, most likely with the police. They were so fucking distracted that they didn't even noticed or hear their front door break open.

Buffy moved, shoving Angel out of the way just as sirens roared in her side hearing. She kicked the door down and the image she saw both surprised her and terrified her. Kathy was crying on the ground with a bottle of Clorox lying next to her, blue bubbly liquid spilled out like a pool of blood in the darkness. Buffy moved quickly getting to her, but not quite seeing. When Buffy's hand wrapped around Kathy's wrist, she flinched back and stared down at her hand. Sticky, metallic liquid coated her fingers. Buffy moved toward the bedside table and lifted up the phone.

It matted in Kathy's blood just as she put it to her ear. "Neighbors now." She said into the receiver as soon as Ethan answered, then she threw the phone to the side and lifted Kathy up into a sitting position. Kathy continued to sob and cry as paramedics entered the room. Kathy screamed as soon as any of them got close to her and Buffy shoved the woman back.

"Don't!" Buffy yelled, but the woman continued to wrestle with her while the male moved around to a still screaming Kathy. This was insane and Buffy, not thinking, but knowing she didn't have time for this woman's shit; slammed her head forward causing the hard bone of her skull to collide with the woman's nose. Blood exploded and sent the woman flying backwards.

Buffy then moved and caught the man's arm before he could inject her with the sedation liquid. "Fucking idiot she just down a bottle of Clorox and you're going to put a ten year old to sleep with that stuff still inside her? Smart fucking move, moron!" Buffy screamed, before grabbing a gagging Kathy and lifting her up.

It took Buffy a moment to maneuver around the throngs of people, but as soon as she got inside her house and to her kitchen she knew she needed to fix this. Kathy continued to dry heave, it was hoarse and strained. She wasn't able to breathe because the chemicals in Clorox soaked up all salvia, drying out her throat and lungs. Buffy filled a glass with water and placed it at Kathy's lips. The girl fought for a few seconds before Buffy practically forced it down her throat.

She continued with that until the third glass was gone, Kathy tried to deny the fourth, but Buffy got her onto her feet, body straight with her front facing the sink as she tilted her head back forcing more water into her body. Buffy was vaguely aware of a bunch of cops and paramedics trying to get through the door that Ethan wasn't opening. Beatrice was yelling at her to stop, but Buffy had lived through this with Dawn hundreds of times and if Kathy didn't release the fluids she put into her body, she'd die on the way to the hospital.

The water was drenching them both and as soon as Kathy gagged, it exploded into the air and Buffy dropped the glass and Kathy's head. Bile, water, and bluish liquid exploded from her mouth and throat like a waterfall of colors. She gagged and vomited up every last drop until it was just yellow acidic bile. Kathy took in harsh deep breaths, air finally entering her lungs. Kathy's limp body collapsed between Buffy and the sink. Buffy moved her and placed her arm under the water before grabbing the disinfectant and running it over the broken skin.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to not feel so numb." Kathy mumbled and Buffy said nothing as she continued to clean the bloodied wound. Buffy turned to Beatrice, only to see Ethan with a bunch of cops and other emergency workers. She was aware of the family to her diagonal right, but she didn't look in that direction. A paramedic came and lifted Kathy up, carrying her outside and taking most of the other people with him.

Buffy dropped to the ground, blood, bile, and water coating her arms and shirt. A cop came over with handcuffs, "Is that necessary?!" Ethan yelled and the cop said nothing, just squatted in front of Buffy.

"Miss Summers, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law . . ." The rest of the Miranda speech was fuzzy and Buffy could really only remember nodding to it. She fucked up, not letting those paramedics help and attacking one, but Kathy would have died with that supplement and Buffy would be damned before she lost another person like that.


	21. Chapter 21

Some people might say that sitting in a police room was boring, Buffy thought it was pure hell. The room was bare, with four walls and one window that was barred as if she were some psychotic criminal being caged for the moment. She was wet and smelt of bile and blood. A soft, ironic laugh escaped her as she remembered that three years ago she sat in a hospital smelling the same exact way.

Dawn had come back in full force. Buffy wasn't going to lie to herself or to anyone else. Tonight, she didn't see Kathy, she saw Dawn. Dawn with her arm cut up and Clorox bleach pouring from her mouth and clogging up her throat. Dawn's death had never really been accidental or homicidal. Buffy always told Kate and anyone else that it was Spike who was the first victim, because that was partially true. Spike was the first person to die at the hands of her father that night, but he wasn't the first to die.

Dawn was. She died in the same exact way Buffy had just found Kathy, wrists slashed and bleach foaming at her mouth. Hope was something that Buffy never really gave much thought to. In her life today, she found the emotion to be false and stupid, a figment of reality that really only served to let you down. Buffy remembered feeling hope that Dawn had survived the massacre, only to find her small body dead, lifeless on the bathroom floor. It's rather cruel how life can work out, it's even more astounding at how big of a bitch karma really is.

The door opened and a man in his early thirties came in and removed the handcuffs. "Thanks." Buffy muttered, rubbing her wrists. It's also insanity at how police officers can literally chain a seventeen year old girl up after she just saved the life of a child, but hey, she wasn't one to judge. Okay that was a lie, she judged. She judged big time.

"You're free to go, Miss Summers." The man said and Buffy stared up at him. She'd been sitting in this place for nearly fourteen hours and _just now_ she was free to go? Buffy stood up and frowned at the man.

"Really?" She asked, not believing it, but the man nodded.

"Yeah, turns out that you saved that little girl's life. Parents aren't pressing charges, in fact they basically demanded you be set free. Good job, kid." He said, then he left. Unemotional and detached. Didn't that just define the word cop? Buffy walked out and the first thing that happened was long slim arms engulfing her in a hug. Faith.

"What _are_ you doing here exactly?" Buffy asked, snickering in amusement as Faith sniffled.

"My babe is arrested for saving the life of a little girl and you think I'm not going to come down?" She inhaled deeply and Buffy sobered at the sight of her reddened eyes.

"Faith, I'm good. Dirty and in need of a shower, big time, but I'm okay." Buffy reassured and she meant it. She wasn't okay, okay, but she was okay with this cop situation. Ethan was all apologies on the way to the car while Faith and Beatrice continued to prod and ask her if she needed anything.

"Dawn's dead." Buffy said and they all stilled in their questions to turn and stare at her. Tears burned and pooled in Buffy's eyes.

"I never saw her die, so I guess I never really believed it. She wasn't in the room. She was supposed to be there, alive and waiting for me to say that she was safe. But she's dead. She died that night, along with the rest of them and they took everything. Because even though life was hell and I was alone, I knew who I was. I was Dawn's protector. I was the girl with the drunk father. I was the loner. That all left the day they died and I realized that I don't know who I am. I never really had and I'm really, really scared that I never will." The tears had fallen silently over her cheeks as she met each of their gazes.

"I feel like it's drowning me. The pity. The sadness. The fear. I feel like it's trying to drag me under and it's winning because fighting is becoming harder and harder. I attacked a woman who was just doing her job. I yelled a man who was just trying to help. I fell in love with a boy who doesn't even really know me. I'm lost and it's killing me, faster than any blade. And I don't know what to do about it." Buffy confessed and she felt like a weight was lifted, because yes, she was lost. She's been lost for seventeen years and she was truly done hiding. She needed to be found. No, she _wanted_ to be found.

Ethan moved and he pulled her into him, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. "I love you." He whispers.

No one else spoke again because everything that needed to be said was said. Words aren't always needed. There aren't always explanations or solutions. Sometimes silence and comfort is the strongest thing you can give. Telling someone it's going to be alright isn't always the best thing because those types of promises can't always be kept. Words can hold great meaning and an even greater power, but in some circumstances all you need is silence. Silence with the people you love surrounding you, anchoring you. Helping you swim.

* * *

"You need to go to the hospital." Beatrice said for what was most likely the umpteenth time that week. Buffy didn't want to go to the hospital. For two reasons. Her and hospitals don't mix and Angel. Okay, I guess you could add the entire Giles' family because yeah, she basically kidnapped their daughter and forced her to vomit. What was one to say to that? _Oh right, sorry, at least she didn't die._ Buffy snorted at her own thought.

"No, B, I'm not going." Buffy snapped going back to watching Faith do yoga, it was rather interesting because the girl was flexible, she was just lazy as shit. Not to mention that when Faith yelled at the trainer on the screen, it was filled with profanity laced insults and this amused Buffy.

"Oh, c'mon, Buffy. You know what Ethan said. He talked to Giles and apparently Kathy would have died if they did the normal examination for suicide attempts. You saved her life, no one is mad at you. C'mon, that little girl loves you." Beatrice tried and tried, Buffy wasn't budging. With a sigh the older woman stomped from the room with a guttural growl of annoyance.

"You know we could . . ." Faith trailed off and Buffy growled warningly.

"Oh go easy on me, kitten, I was just going to suggest that we bring her a stuffed animal. Kids like that shit right? Buffy, you can't avoid Angel or Kathy forever. You live legitimately right next door. What are you going to do, never leave your house again?" Faith asked looking back at Buffy, she made a contemplative face.

"I was considering it." Buffy said with a nod and Faith scoffed.

"Oh, please. Where are those balls of yours that I love so much?" Faith asked and Buffy didn't reply, just went back to flipping through her magazine.

"B, I get it, you flipped. I wasn't there, but from what Beatrice told me, you went full sister bear and I get it. Okay? I do know what it's like to go through that, remember?" Faith sighed and Buffy felt a stab of guilt, because yeah, Faith was the best at that shit and the circumstances where she got to be the best at that shit, are terrifyingly scary.

"But you should at least go say hi. Or bring by a stuffed animal or do _something_ other than sit in your room and pout." Faith said bluntly before making her way over to the bathroom.

"She cut herself, Faith. She told me she just wanted the numbness to go away. What am I supposed to do with that shit?" Buffy asked looking back at Faith. Faith shrugged both of her shoulders.

"I don't know, B, but I don't think you're going to find your answer sitting on your bed and trying to deny your feelings. You stopped doing that a long time ago, remember?" Faith didn't wait for an answer before going to the toilet and peeing with the door open. Buffy would have been offended if it hadn't happened a billion times in the past.

"Fine, we'll get her a fucking stuffed animal!" Buffy exclaimed, shoving from her bed. Faith laughed walking back from the bathroom while Buffy pulled some jeans over her panty clad behind, leaving the long sleeved black sweater crop top on.

Her and Faith left the house and headed toward the hospital. "You know, I think we should invite Connor and Angel to that party in L.A. I was telling you about." She chirped and Buffy glanced at her.

"You want to invite Connor and Angel O'Connor to a Raid?" Buffy asked pointedly while Faith played distractedly with her sunglasses.

"Yeah." She said with a shrug.

"Besides, it's not really a raid, more along the lines of an empty large warehouse with a bunch of kegs, light beams, and really, really loud deafening music, but good music." She said and Buffy stared at her as they stopped at a stop light.

"What? I think they would have fun!" Faith exclaimed with a roll of her chestnut brown eyes. Buffy rolled her own eyes as she got on the interstate toward the hospital. The hospital where she first met Beatrice. The hospital where she decided she wasn't going to succumb to the vast emptiness of defeat. Fuck, it felt like a life time ago.

A large stuffed bear, Faith, and Buffy currently stood in the elevator heading up to Kathy's room. "I think she'll love it." Faith said, squeezing the bear tightly to her chest. Anxiety gnawed at Buffy's stomach, tightening her throat and preventing her from responding. She wanted to leave, she didn't want to do this. There would be so much need for explanations and she didn't want to give them.

The elevator dinged and Buffy nearly jumped out of her skin, but Faith was apparently extremely determined because she yanked Buffy by the hand and down the hallway. When they reached the room Buffy noticed two things. First, the room was huge and open with a large bay window and second, there were more people than just the immediate family. Faith didn't really seem to give a damn because she entered the room unabashedly.

"Kathy!" Faith exclaimed and the girl looked up. Her face lit up as she grinned widely.

"Faith!" Kathy exclaimed back.

"Girl I got you this." Faith said placing the stuffed animal next the half a dozen others.

"It goes great my collection." Kathy giggled and Faith grinned.

"Hell yeah it does, sweetness." Faith winked.

"You bought me a stuffed animal!" Kathy gushed and Faith clucked her tongue.

"Actually sweets, I'm broke. That means that I have absolutely no money. Let alone money to throw away at a hospital gift shop. But if I did have money, I would definitely waste on it on you." Faith murmured tapping Kathy's nose and the little girl grinned.

"This gift is from Buffy." Faith said and Kathy's eyes snapped to the doorway, she launched forward taking the machines with her and shouts of halt ran around the room as a few men pushed the machines back and Faith gripped Kathy's wrapped up forearms gently with a soft laugh.

"That's not a good idea sweets, did that once, took out the IV. Yeah I didn't make it to the doorway before I landed face first butt up in the air, it was not a pretty picture." Faith joked slightly with a small smile and Kathy cast her a distracted smile before looking back at Buffy.

"Hi, Buffy!" Kathy exclaimed and Buffy smiled, well, she tried to smile but it felt like more of a grimace.

"Hey." Buffy said swiftly, feeling a weight suffocating her as it pressed against her chest.

"It's been a long week." Kathy said, trying to break the mood. It didn't really work, yeah, Buffy couldn't do this.

"I'm glad you're okay, Kathy." With that, Buffy spun on her heel and walked off, yep, probably going in the wrong direction, but did she care? Nope.


	22. Chapter 22

Buffy wandered the halls of the hospital until she was nearly convinced that she'd gone full circle. Everything felt the same, from the walls, to the rooms, and even the goddamn nurses with their plaster fake smiles or tired scowls, like they weren't surrounded by actual dying people. Buffy scowled at a few nurses complaining about only getting a few hours of sleep. She had nearly told them they could sleep when they're dead just like the terminal cancer children in the floor above, but she'd surprisingly kept her mouth shut.

Everyone was human and everyone enjoyed blissful ignorance. It's why most made a big deal out of their small problems and ignored larger problems. Ignorance was bliss and damn if humanity wasn't swimming in it. Buffy contemplated going back to Kathy's room, but that would require bravery that she just wasn't possessing at the moment.

"Buffy!" Faith called, but Buffy didn't turn around nor did she. Faith slowed to a fast walk to keep up with the blonde currently doing laps around the hospital floor.

"B!" Faith's loud voice got many shushes from nurses and it got Buffy to slow her pace. The pace was surprisingly fast and she really hadn't noticed it until Faith decided to come up and pull Buffy's head out of her ass.

"You just left. Like, ran from Kathy's room. Jenny wanted to talk to you and so did Giles. Kathy is going home tonight and I invited Angel and Connor to the party. Jenny gave them permission to go and they're all coming over to your house tomorrow to build a plan with Beatrice and Ethan." During Faith's informational speech, Buffy had come to a complete halt, blinking ever so often just to make sure she was hearing Faith correctly.

"Wait, you invited Angel and Connor to a party that my ex-boyfriend is planning in his warehouse?" Buffy asked, she was amused, flabbergasted, and a little pissed off. Buffy didn't want to mix her L.A. life with the life she had in Sunnydale, whatever kind of life that was now, anyways.

"Yeah and I also said okay to their friends Willow and Xander tagging along." Faith said, stuffing her hands in her pockets. Buffy was still a little stunned.

"Oh joy, do I have to go?" Buffy asked and Faith gave her a look that said she wasn't playing around.

"Yes, B, listen you're going and you're going to talk to lover boy, mingle with his brother, and have a jolly good time with his friends, because this closing in on yourself, which you are doing by the way, needs to stop. Dawn's dead and she's never coming back, but that doesn't mean you should stop living your life. In fact, it's kind of selfish considering the fact that she doesn't even have one to live anymore." Faith was Buffy's best friend. Had been since the girls were nine years old, but right there. Right then, she'd crossed Buffy's imaginary friend line and the punishment, was a slap in the face.

Faith's head jerked to the side and her skin immediately reddened, but she didn't gasp or cry out in pain. She didn't even look surprised. She turned her face back to Buffy and stared the blonde down. "Someone needed to say it, B." Faith said, before turning on her heel and walked back down the hall toward the elevators.

Guilt slowly seeped into Buffy's stomach along with that bitch emotion regret. Faith's bluntness was something Buffy relied in. She just hadn't been on the receiving end of it for a while, so she'd forgotten how to deal with the emotional blows that hurt worse than any fist or opened hand.

Buffy ran her numb hand through her hair and she hadn't noticed the tears until a gentle knuckle ran up the column of her cheek. Snapping her from her thoughts. She turned and stared at him, lips parted.

"Connor." Buffy murmured, shocked.

She stepped back, "What are you doing here?" She asked and Connor cocked an eyebrow.

"Did you mean to say it the way you did?" He asked and Buffy shrugged, looking away.

"Listen, I kind of convinced Angel to just stay behind with Kathy and the guys. I wanted to talk to you, alone." Connor said, rolling his shoulders and stuffing his hands in his pockets, leaning over her. She'd never really realized just how tall Connor was. He was huge, broad, and tall, a little leaner than Angel, but still extremely attractive in a more boyish manner.

"You like legit saved my sister, Buffy." Connor's voice cracked and tears misted over his eyes before they immediately cleared.

"Do you know what that doctor told my parents?" Connor paused as if he had to take a moment to process, Buffy didn't say anything and let him take his time.

"He said that if she had stayed in the ambulance and the paramedics put the anesthetic and other sedatives in her, she would have had a seizure and died. I can't even really process that information. It doesn't feel real. You knew what to do and you saved her . . . for the second time. You looked so scared in the room and Willow was worried that maybe you thought we were mad at you or something because you were arrested. Look, we didn't ask for that and as soon as the detective came in and said you'd been arrested, Angel flipped and my parents basically demanded that all charges be dropped. We're not mad, Buffy, we're grateful." He murmured and she swallowed, thickly. The tears misting over again.

Buffy didn't have anything to say to that. "Kath wants to see you, do you mind? She hates this place and she's angry with the doctors. They want to keep her in the psychiatric ward and my parents don't know what to do about that. We could use some help." Connor confessed and Buffy said nothing because what was she supposed to say?

She didn't know what to do, but she did know that she could help Kathy. So she followed Connor through the halls and they got back to the room. "No! I'm not crazy." Kathy's voice radiated in Buffy's ears, reminding her of the days after Buffy tried to kill herself.

 _Stop, Ethan. I'm not crazy, I'm just dying inside._

Buffy shut her eyes and Connor pushed open the door, and her eyes flew open. The doctor continued to try and reason with three adults. Jenny, Giles, and Angel. Buffy recognized the doctor nearly instantly as Doctor Tatum Maine.

"Dr. Maine, do you have a fetish for institutionalizing people?" Buffy asked, silencing the entire room. Tatum turned and cocked an eyebrow.

"Miss Summers, why is it that you're always in these types of cases?" He asked turning to face her and she shrugged.

"I have a fetish for helping people." She says flashing him a smile.

"I really think we need to back track this conversation away from fetishes." He said to her and she basically ignored him her eyes dancing down to her chart then back up to baby blue eyes.

"Okay, Doc, be honest with me. Do you really need to commit a ten year old girl?" Buffy drawled and he stared at her.

"Don't know, I needed to commit and fourteen year old girl." He decided to remind her of _that_.

"Yes and what did you find out? Just a minor lapse of severe depression." I chirp, bouncing slightly and crossing my arms.

"She's ten." He says to Buffy and she shrugs.

"Clorox and razors, Buffy, which might I add fall very funny into the category of the type of razors you used." Tatum says and this shocked Buffy, she turned her attention to Kathy and Kathy stared down at her hands.

"Did you go into my room?" Buffy asked and Kathy glanced up before shrugging.

"I found it by accident!" Kathy exclaimed.

"Beatrice was watching me, and she told me to go wait up for you in your room and I did. I tripped over the floor board and found the box." Kathy confessed softly.

"Great and you thought what? Let's take the shiny fun metal sharp killer toy and cut ourselves with it?" Buffy demanded and Kathy shrugged.

"I just wanted to feel something other than the numbness." Kathy said, but this was feeling far too familiar. It suddenly hit Buffy like a ton of bricks and she truly wished it hadn't, because the reality of the fact was more unsettling than the suicide attempt itself.

"Did you read my journals?" Buffy asked and Kathy's entire face flushed. Not the answer she wanted, but the one she was expecting. Buffy glanced at Tatum and turned leaving the room, he followed.

"What?" He asked once they were away from ear shot.

"Scan her for everything, Maine. Check closely for a psychiatric problem." Buffy informed him and he frowned.

"Why? What are you thinking?" He asked and Buffy stared down the hallway, her nails digging into the skin of her arms.

"I'm thinking personality disorder."

* * *

 **Author's Note: Hi guys! Been a while. Anyways I'm thinking of going into a slightly different direction here with Kathy's story. This is of course complete fiction. I am not a doctor and I have absolutely no idea if any of this is real. So just bear with me. Feedback is loved, appreciated, and cherished. Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers. I hope you enjoyed and please let me know what you think!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's Note: Hi guys! This was actually a pretty fun chapter for me to write, not my favorite, but I felt like some of the plot was actually speeding along. Now, I'm not an expert in medicine or personality disorders, some of the stuff I got from the internet while some was just completely made up in my mind. Bear with me there ;)**

 **Disclaimer: I OWN nothing.**

 **It shouldn't take too many chapters for Buffy's secret to spill. I am going to need to write a Buffy/Faith make-up because I do love their relationship in this story and I'm still going to write the party in L.A. let me know your thoughts on that! Happy reading . . .**

* * *

 _A_ _borderline personality disorder is a pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by impulsivity, unstable affect, inconsistent interpersonal relationships, and poor self-image. Some individuals also display uncontrollable anger and depression._

Buffy can still remember the faces of Angel and Connor as they were relayed the news. Kathy had a borderline personality disorder and Buffy was ashamed that she hadn't seen it earlier. Her need to separate herself from her family. Following in Buffy's footsteps over self-image securities. Buffy felt like a fool. She shouldn't have intertwined herself so deeply in their lives. The night she found Kathy sleepwalking she should have brought her home and let it go.

She definitely shouldn't have offered to share her time with Kate. She shouldn't have given that security someone with this particular disorder needs. Then again, if she hadn't, then it more than likely never would have been caught on. If it had, it's very likely it would have been too late. Her parents were focused on recovery, neither aware of the hell some had to pay when going down that path.

Buffy currently leaned against the wall of Kathy's hospital room. She was in here mainly to calm people down if need. Tatum had told her that he was not allowed to yell or curse at people when on the job, Buffy could and these people only seemed to respond to confrontation. Buffy could handle confrontation. What she couldn't handle, was Angel sitting in a corner, head between his knees in complete defeat.

Buffy's eyes landed on Willow who had tears of confusion in her eyes. Jenny was trying to control herself and Giles was becoming impatient. Kathy continued to look around completely confused. Her grandparents, Matt and Cecelia stood behind Giles, trying to comfort him and calm him down. Everyone was either yelling or using a loud voice. Long story short; all hell broke loose.

"This is your fault!" Jenny suddenly said and Buffy released a laugh and cocked her eyebrow.

"Alright, honey, go ahead blame me. Whatever, I can take it, but believe me this is no one's fault. This may surprise you, but severe trauma can cause this and it's more than likely she was born with it. So, unless I'm god, I'd back the fuck off." Buffy said and Jenny turned her attention back on the doctor, while Angel pushed from the wall.

"What do we do?" He asked, voice of reason in the midst of madness. Buffy's heart swelled and right now was _not_ the time, but she couldn't help it. He was abused. He had beat the living shit out of someone, nearly killing them. He was kind. Considerate and just downright an all good person, she wasn't. She had killed. She had seen death. She had grown up in hell and came out of it a depressing bitch. Shame coiled in her stomach and she looked away.

"Well, unfortunately this isn't some curable disease. There is treatment and medication that she can take, but this is who she is. She isn't going to change. There are going to be highs and lows and some downright depressing events, but she's family so it really shouldn't matter. She will need to start visiting a psychotherapist . . ." Tatum's voice zoned out of Buffy's hearing as she locked eyes with Angel.

His eyes bore into hers, suffocating her and finally allowing her to breathe. He held the power to destroy her and no one had ever truly possessed that ability. No one in a long time, at least. She continued to keep the eye contact, as did he, then he spoke, "Do you have any experience in this?"

Everyone was cut off from their conversation. Jenny looked toward Buffy, frowning, yeah she didn't think she was going to get mother's love anytime soon.

"Who cares, why is she here?" Jenny shrieked and Buffy was just about to legitimately run from the room, but Angel stilled her.

"She's my girlfriend mom _and_ she saved Kathy's life, not to mention her help with the therapy and slapping our asses back into reality, I think she has some significance in this, don't you?" Angel's voice was harsh as he spared his mother a glance, but didn't wait for an answer before immediately looking back at Buffy.

"Do you?" He asked, the harshness gone from his voice and Buffy stared at him. She did. She'd been tested for the exact same thing, but she didn't possess a personality disorder, just severe depression and anxiety. She did, however, know a few psychotherapists that would be great for Kathy.

She walked over and grabbed Tatum's pen, writing on his note sheet. "Call Jaqueline and set up a meeting for the Giles'." She mumbled and Tatum scratched his head.

"I was thinking St. James, she doesn't have time to be on a waiting list and last I checked, Jaqueline had one longer than the East Coast." He said and she nodded, writing down Jaqueline's personal number.

"Call her here, not her office and tell her that Buffy said she was cashing in her favor with Kathy. Don't ask." She cast him a steely glance and he immediately shut his mouth.

"Set her up with Withers department-." Tatum cut her off.

"Let me guess, you have a favor with him too." He said dryly and Buffy smirked, writing down the number for the pharmacist/doctor who had the ability to assign medication without much effort. Not to mention trauma and disorders were his specialty. He was also cheap, which was good.

"I have a favor with every medical official in the business, stud." She winked and wrote down another name and number.

"I'm _not_ calling _him_!" Tatum exclaimed while Buffy punched his shoulder.

"The fuck you aren't." She said back and he scowled.

"Buffy, the man is a creep." He said and Buffy shook her head.

"No, just misunderstood and _you_ know he's good with PTSD. He helped Ethan and Ethan was a fucking maniac. You just don't like him because he has a fetish for bugs." Buffy said with a shrug, placing her hands firmly on her hips.

"Yeah, and you're saying the man who legitimately raises _cockroaches_ isn't creepy?" Tatum asked and she shrugged.

"It's not like the bugs are in the room. He just likes them. He's a nerd. He's _cute_." Buffy says and Tatum's nostrils flare as he looks down at the three numbers.

"Alright, fine, whatever. Why don't you explain to me why I'm going to contact Jaqueline Sanchez, Henry Withers, and Oz – I-Love-Bugs – Osbourne for a patient I don't even know?" He drawls and Buffy shrugged.

"Because you owe me a favor and this is it, paid in full." She chirped and Tatum frowned.

"How about this . . . my favor to you is paid in full with Sanchez and Withers, but for Oz, I want a favor from you." He said and she smirked.

"Remember what I did for you, Tatum? Hmm? Shall I go and reverse it?" She asked and he scoffed.

"Like you could." He muttered and he was probably right about that.

"No, you're right I probably couldn't, but I definitely could make your sex life wither for the next couple of weeks. That wouldn't be fun, would it?" Buffy asked, giving him a look that said she wasn't fucking around.

"No." He grumbled, writing a few notes around the names of the specialists Buffy gave him. She was grinning, because she knew she'd won.

"Fine, whatever, paid in full. Now go away!" He made a shooing gesture with his hand and she laughed, shaking her head before turning and walking out of the room without looking back. As soon as the elevator doors shut in front of her. All of the mirth drained from her body and she stared at the reflection in the crystal metal doors.

A pretty blonde stared back. A woman of grace and beauty, a shell hiding deafening secrets and Buffy had a feeling that those secrets were about to come to light. The Pandora Box was going to open, she just hoped she survived it. She hoped her heart survived it.


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note:**

 **Hi! Everyone! I'm back again to tie up at least one loose string. Feedback is needed, loved, and appreciated! So, enjoy and tell me what you think! Happy reading . . .**

* * *

Angel kept calling. Buffy was finding that it was actually harder to ignore someone when they kept wanting to see you. It's been about two weeks since Buffy last saw the Giles' in the hospital and she's been pretty much zombie girl for . . . well, all of it.

It was around four in the morning when a soft tap at her window had her jolting to attention. She listened for a moment, trying to decipher if it was just her imagination, because with her mind you never really knew, but it happened again. She rolled out of bed and walked hesitantly toward the window. When she opened it, Faith sat on the roof lighting a cigarette. Buffy glanced behind her, as if there was actually someone there, before she climbed out.

Faith offered over the cigarette, but Buffy shook her head. She wasn't in the mood and she didn't want to have to worry about the smell with Ethan and Beatrice. "I'm sorry." Buffy said first and Faith cocked an eyebrow.

"B, I was being the bitch, remember?" She asks and Buffy shook her head.

"No, you were just trying to help. I _know_ that Kathy isn't Dawn, I just haven't exactly learned how to learn the difference between the two."

Both girls were silent for a while.

"Kathy has a personality disorder." Buffy said, breaking the silence and Faith cursed under her breath, blowing out a whistle of shock.

"Well, ain't that just . . . sucky." Faith frowned and shook her head.

"What kind?" She asked.

"Borderline. You know, she actually came into my room, read my journals and then used my razors to cut herself. I bet she even took the passage about Dawn drowning herself in Clorox into consideration. Fuck, Faith. How could I not have seen it? I mean, did Dawn not possess the same characteristics?" Buffy babbled, running her hands through her hair.

"You don't need to save everyone, Buffy." Faith murmured and the blonde looked up.

"Listen, the kid fucked up. She's got some issues, but _you_ do not need to intertwine yourself in them. Let her parents deal with that shit, let her lean on her family. Lean on your own for your own problems. Because, babe, you have some serious shit in your past. The _absolute_ last thing you need is taking on someone else's." Faith, the blunt motherfucking Yoda. Buffy smiled at that thought.

"I am sorry that I hit you. Don't apologize for bitch slapping me back into reality, Faith." Buffy murmured and Faith grinned, winking.

"Wasn't planning on it." The brunette laughed and Buffy rolled her eyes.

"So, have you spoken to our beautiful Angel?" Faith teased and Buffy winced.

"No, his mom flipped out on me. He defended me. Then I had Tatum send them to Jacqueline, Oz, and Withers. Then I left." Buffy nodded, lips pursed while Faith took a long drag, squinting at her blonde friend.

"What the fuck did mommy dearest have to say? Didn't you fucking keep her kid alive?" Faith snapped and Buffy nodded.

"She's just . . . overwhelmed. I told her to back the fuck off, but seriously, I wasn't mad. She needs someone other than herself to blame and there really isn't anyone to blame. Not even her. I guess you could blame the creep that molested her daughter, but he's in prison and he didn't give Kathy the personality disorder." Buffy murmured, seemingly far away.

"No, he just woke it up." Faith snorted looking disgusted. Then, Faith went silent and Buffy frowned, glancing up at her friend who currently looked like she was ready to jump off the roof.

"What?" Buffy asked and Faith glanced at her.

"I'm thinking about the . . . future, B." Faith murmured and Buffy raised an eyebrow before nudging her playfully.

"Are you? Well, color mama proud!" Buffy chirped and Faith smiled rubbing one hand over her face.

"Okay, there really isn't any easy way to say this, but I'm just going to blurt it out." Faith nodded, seeming sure of herself while Buffy frowned. She didn't know where this was going, but she had a funny anxious feeling settling in her stomach.

"I'm joining the army." Faith blurted, before pressing her lips together and Buffy just . . . stared. _The Army_? Buffy nodded slowly, trying to process this, but all she saw were explosions, guns, and coffins.

"Buff, there's something else." Faith said, but Buffy was still blinking out of the shock of Faith's earlier revelation. Buffy moved, scooting down to Faith and wrapping her arms around her best friend's bicep.

"Don't tell me, yet, just answer something for me. Is this about Frank? Or . . . what?" Buffy whispered, the girls leaning on each other. Faith stared up at the sky before shrugging.

"It's not about him. It's about me wanting to do something other than sleep around and get hammered. I want to make a difference and I don't want to do it in an office or in school. I want to be out there, helping. Protecting. I know it sounds crazy . . ." Faith flushed and Buffy blinked, before immediately shaking her head.

"I think you'll be great, the only thing you really have to worry about is the whole following orders thing, because I don't think you're capable of that." Both girls burst into giggles as Faith nodded.

Faith sobered up and then glanced at Buffy, "I don't have much, but I can't exactly take care of my trust fund while I'm on deployment and then there are the whole tax paying stuff . . . so I just . . . I wanted to give you power of attorney, B." She says and something hit Buffy, an overwhelming amount of love, it brought tears to her eyes. Faith wanted to give her . . . basically give her the power to control Faith's life. That was huge and Faith didn't do huge trusting exercises.

Buffy lunged, wrapping her arms around the brunette's neck. "Yes! Definitely, I mean Ethan is going to have to help me with the whole money issue because I suck at math, but other than that, yeah, I can take care of anything you need, Faith." Buffy rambled and Faith laughed slightly.

"Wow, B, you're pretty excited about this." Faith joked and Buffy leaned back, bouncing.

"My best friend trusts me enough with her identity, you made my fucking month." Buffy said, bouncing and Faith smiled, looking back toward the sky.

"Truth be told, I just want something forcing you to stick around." Faith partly joked, nudging Buffy playfully and Buffy smiled.

"I'm always going to be around, Faith, you and me are bound by tragedy and shit like that doesn't just break. You're my sister, I'll be there for you in any way that I can." Buffy said honestly and Faith smiled, blinking past the burn in her eyes.

"Fuck you, we don't cry." Faith sniffled and Buffy chuckled, falling on her back and staring up at the stars through the branches of the tree. Faith came down with her and both girls lay there, listening to the silence and the calm. Hopefully, this wasn't the calm before the undeniable storm.


	25. Chapter 25

Buffy walked through the halls of her high school. She was in a bad mood today. Connor, had her number and Buffy was 99.9% positive that he retrieved it from Faith. Even though Angel had her number, she was still sure he got it from Faith. Connor had wonderfully informed her that Angel would be at school today because they had gotten back from Jacqueline's home office the previous night and all went well.

This news, though, wasn't why she was in a bad mood. Her bad mood was caused a week ago when Angel had stopped his calling and texting. He'd given up, she couldn't blame him. She had avoided him for nearly a month, but still, it put her in a bad fucking mood. She missed him. She cut, again. So that put an even bigger bad on her already terribly bad mood. She blamed herself. Oh, and there was the guilt for basically just dropping him like he hadn't become the fourth – and most likely most important – person in her three person lifeline.

He caused a three way to become a four way, and yes she realized how sexual that sounded, but still. How in the fuck does someone, you don't even know one day, become everything in a week? She hated and loved him for it. He made her trust in a way that she never thought she'd trust again and she was grateful. And pissed, that she basically ruined it all.

The numbness came back and Buffy pressed her lips together. The small razor became very heavy in her back pocket. She had started again the day after Faith told her she was joining the Army and had done it every other day for the last two weeks. And the shame was suffocating her. She felt pathetic. Completely and utterly pathetic. She was going crazy. Fucking crazy.

She was going to do it again, she realized and like an addict she couldn't stop herself. She stopped around a corner, the depression eating away at her. She put the sharp point of the blade to the middle of her forearm and applied pressure. Just as tiny nicks of pain popped against her skin, reminding her of her existence: large hands gripped each forearm and ripped them apart, causing the blade to fly from her fingers and across the halls.

"Stupid little girl." His voice growled in her ear. The burn of his hands seemed to wake her up, releasing the numbness and reminding her the pleasure of human contact. She turned and stared up into large chocolate eyes. He glared at her.

"Don't be a hypocrite, Buffy." He very nearly snarled and she blinked, staring up at him.

"Angel." She breathed and he released her.

"Why are you giving up? I could have sworn you helping Kathy, meant that you believed in recovery." He snapped and her gaze hardened.

"I do, you son of a bitch. But sometimes fighting becomes hard and the easy way out becomes more tempting than an orgasm." She hissed, having absolutely no idea why she was bringing sex into the conversation.

"Then you haven't experienced a true orgasm." He countered and she ignored him along with the wave of wetness that pooled between her thighs accompanied by a dull throb.

"So . . . How was it? With Jacqueline, I mean." She mumbled, to ashamed to meet his gaze.

"It was fine, she's fond of you." He informed her of what she already knew.

"So, are you going to ever tell me how you are involved with medical professionals?" He asked and Buffy inhaled her eyes still glued to the floor.

"I was committed into the psychiatric ward when I was fourteen, I was in there for about a year. I made some friends, earned some favors. I find that even though I'm the most socially awkward person on the planet, people tend to like me. Maybe it's the – I don't give a fuck – attitude." She explained briefly glancing up to lock gazes with him.

"Why were you . . ." He trailed off, but she didn't need him to finish his question. She looked away, before grabbing her hair and twisting it up. She craned her neck exposing the jagged, white scar merely an inch long running from behind the top of her ear to the start of her jaw.

"Kathy sleep walks, that's how she deals. Her disorder sent signals to her brain to copy me, because while she's a confused girl, she understood that we both have something in common. She doesn't know who she is or what she's doing, so she mimics others and she battles anxiety and depression. I went to hurting myself to cope, I went a little too far once and they ruled it as a suicide attempt because it was self-inflicted." Buffy thinned her lips and went to stare at her nails.

"We're you trying to kill yourself?" He asked, his voice tighter than she'd ever heard it.

"No – I wanted the voices to stop." Buffy barked out a startled laugh.

"Wow that makes me sound insane, by voices I mean memories. Usually when hurting yourself the pain shooting to your brain cuts off the lost thoughts that led you to the need for pain." Buffy babbled.

"Okay." Angel didn't look like he could say anything else. He looked positively stunned, if she was being honest.

"Now tell me why a pretty girl like you would need to take a knife to her skin to cut off memories. What memories are so bad?" He asked and Buffy stared at him.

"You know what? Fuck it! I mean, you've already made me tell you more than I've ever told anyone in my life, so why the fuck not?!" Buffy very nearly yelled.

"C'mon Angel, I'll introduce you to my demons."

* * *

Buffy moved through the parking lot and over to Angel's car, after slamming the passenger door shut Angel appeared in the driver's side. She crossed her arms and stared straight ahead.

"My father was a mean man. He cared about two things in this life, himself and beer, that's it. Actually, I'm sure you could add pussy to the list, so that's three things. Sounding like a wonderful father figure already, right?" Buffy smiled sarcastically.

"He molested my little sister, Dawn. He beat my mother, in fact, my earliest living memory is seeing him slam her head into the side of the kitchen wall. The dent was covered up by a picture of the happy family. My older brother, William, who we all called Spike because his hair never could cooperate was also beaten by my father. I was too, but my beatings didn't start at four years old like Spike, they started when I was eleven. The reason? Well, because I wasn't fast enough in getting his beer, fuck did that son of a bitch like his beer." Buffy smiled widely at Angel who just stared at her, not saying anything.

"Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse was a common occurrence for me growing up. Dawn was eight at the time of her death. She wasn't killed in the freak-out, though. She had run from the room when my father shoved Spike through the glass coffee table. I thought she had went to hide, I was wrong. I found her after everything, wrists slashed and white foam bubbling out of her mouth with a bottle of Clorox lying next to her." Buffy pulled her thighs to her chest, resting her chin on her knees.

Tears filled her vision in remembrance of the lives lost, but also in grief for the lives that had never even begun. She inhaled and shut her eyes. "I was making dinner and he came up behind me. Saying that he wanted me to prove how much I loved him. He put his fingers inside of me and forced his tongue down my throat. Spike came in, then, and I watched it happen. Spike was seventeen and pretty big, he was quickly losing control as the years past in that house And in that moment, I watched as the last thread of his control snapped. Like a rubber band or the popping of a balloon and it deafened the air." Buff squeezed her calves tighter. Lost in the entanglements of memories from a different life.

"Spike punched him and they wrestled before the incident with the coffee table. My mother didn't say anything, until my father grabbed a piece of glass and put it to Spike's throat. She begged him to calm down, to just forgive and forget, like he was the one who was wronged." Buffy scoffed, hatred boiling in remembrance of her mother's reasoning.

"Hence to say, it didn't work. He cut Spike's throat and that was that. It was also the first time my mother went to defend us, besides taking us out of the house when he came home drunk or with one of his many whores, she attacked him, but I was too busy staring at the lifeless body of the only person who protected me. One of only two who I truly loved. He was dead and he took so much with him." Buffy wiped a tear from her cheek.

"My mother was next, it didn't take much for my father to take her down with his fists flying, putting far too much pressure and force, effectively snapping her neck. It all happened so fast, Angel, so fucking fast. One minute I was being orally raped by my father and the next the lifeless bodies of my mother and brother were lying in front of me. My mother's dead eyes staring up at me with so much . . . Relief." Buffy shook her head in complete shock, to this day she still couldn't believe the utter relief reflecting at her through dead eyes..

Her mother was so messed up that she let her husband kill her son, only going to help when it was far too late and then she died with relief. Buffy hated her and pitied her at the same time and to this day, Buffy found herself blaming her.

"My father came after me, he dislocated my leg and beat me pretty good, but for the first time, I fought back. I'm pretty sure I broke my wrist and damaged a few ribs in the process, but when he started choking me, I briefly considered just dying, then I remembered Dawn and I knew she needed someone, so I reached for something. It was my brother's baseball bat. I brought to the back of his neck, and you know how in the movies when two people are fighting and one sometimes slams their head against their opponent's head? Yeah, I really wish there was a warning sign informing you just how bad it really hurts. It felt as if my head split open. But I got free, so I guess, I'll take the migraine." Buffy bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath before confessing what she did next.

"I was bloodied and heartbroken, damaged and in shock. I beat him with the bat, I killed him, with too many blows to the head, but um, I didn't stop there. I just kept hitting him with the bat over and over again, surprising myself at how easy it was to hurt another human being. I bent his fucking scalp and literally rearranged his face. He was broken, bloodied, and unrecognizable when I finally gained my senses back. I knew I needed to call for help, but I went looking for Dawn instead, hopeful that I still had her. I found her, in that bathroom, in that way and I broke. Completely, every single piece of me shattered and there was nothing left but a pretty shell."


	26. Chapter 26

Buffy stared down at the light caramel liquid in her plastic cup. Kate sat across from her, completely silent. Buffy didn't know what she had been expecting from the other blonde. Silence? . . . Perhaps nothing, but what she got, surprised her. Kate was crying. Tears glistened in her icy blue eyes, her lips pursing in the attempt to fight off unforgiving tears.

Kate stood carefully and moved toward her door, leaving her office for a moment. Buffy stared after her, guilt twisting her stomach. She should have told Kate before they formed an emotional bond. Angel had reacted similarly to Kathy. He had been quiet. Far too quiet and they had sat in that car in a silence that served to both calm her and make her ill.

He hadn't said anything. Not one word. Not when he started up the car. Or during the drive. He didn't say a word as he parked in her driveway. He was quiet when she said his name. Tears soaking her voice and he was just silent. Buffy had gotten out of the car and jogged up to her porch, only to turn around and see him maneuver out of her driveway, but he didn't go into his own. He drove down the street and disappeared.

Kate returned, effectively snapping Buffy from her thoughts. A stray tear fell down Buffy's cheek and she hastily wiped it. Kate had obviously been crying, if her red rimmed eyes were any consolation. "I knew it was bad, but . . ." The older woman shook her head, disbelievingly.

"Why have you chosen to tell me now, Buffy?" Kate asked, going back into therapist mode.

"I told Angel." Buffy confessed and Kate's eyes lit up, but only for a moment. The sorrow reflecting in the younger blonde's gaze said that it hadn't gone well.

"He freak out?" Kate asked, tentatively.

"No – no, exactly the opposite. He said nothing. Did nothing. He was just quiet. He drove me home and that was that. It's over. I don't think anything is going to become of anything." Buffy shook her head, tears blurring her vision for the billionth time that week and for the billionth time she blinked them away.

"Do you love him?" _No beating around the bush there, Kate._ Buffy thought with a roll of her glossy eyes.

"Yes." Buffy answered without hesitation.

"In fact, it may sound juvenile, but I love him so much that it hurts. I trust him, in a way that I never even trusted Spike. And when I'm with him, the pain is gone and the ghosts are dormant." Buffy confessed, breathless with a casual lift of her shoulder.

"Have you tried calling him?" Kate asked, writing something down.

"No." Buffy whispered.

"Kate, the guy practically had a silent meltdown after I told him. In fact, I probably shouldn't have let him go. He was most likely in shock and disgust!" Buffy exclaimed, nearly spilling her coffee as her hands rose and waved around. Kate coughed through a laugh, turning her head and covering her mouth. Buffy slumped and stared at her.

"Are you laughing at me? Right now?!" Buffy cried in shock, and Kate put her hands up, still laughing, but trying to control herself.

"Buffy." Kate choked out, smiling widely. Her eyes glossy again.

"You are the absolute master at reading people. You were born with the need for the instinct and you've perfected it over the years. C'mon, Buffy, don't tell me that boy has also made you dumb. When your father was silent, what did it mean?" Kate asked and while confusion marred Buffy's features and brain, she immediately answered, as if speaking from her very soul.

"If he was quiet, it was bad. The beatings were worse, because his anger was boiling and boiling water is quiet until it's too late and it explodes." Buffy stared at Kate.

"When Dawn was quiet, what did it mean?" Kate continued and Buffy experienced the same reaction to this question as she had from the last.

"She was in a spell of depression. Her thoughts were dark and perhaps more thoughtful than any child younger than ten should experience. Her need for pain would be relevant in her silence. Dawn's silence was a cry for help." Buffy felt the tears trail down her cheeks.

"And Spike?" Kate encouraged. Buffy sniffed, fidgeting with her hands.

"He was different. Spike was an open book, his silences ranged from the pretty girls he wanted to date to fantasizing about killing our father. He didn't have levels. He was either at a one or a ten, there was no in between with him." Buffy wiped at the tears on her cheeks.

"Buffy, when you tell Ethan something about your past and he goes quiet, what does that mean?" Kate asked, trying to get the blonde to hear her point, the point was slowly coming to Buffy.

"He's trying not to rage or cry. He's a sheltered person, but hearing about the pain that someone he loves went through sets him off. It's like his trigger." Buffy said, a realization dawning on her. Her eyes widened at Kate, but Kate wasn't quite finished.

"And when Angel walked in on Kathy being molested, how did he react?" Kathy asked and it clicked. Like a light switch and air vent switching on in her brain. Shooing away the cobwebs and chasing the shadows. She stood, grabbing her jacket and bag.

"I have to go, have a nice night, Kate." Buffy said hastily, but the older woman didn't try to stop her and as Buffy raced down the hall. Kate's loving laughter echoed in her ears.

•••

Buffy raced down the streets of Sunnydale, having broken just about every traffic law in existence and thanking her lucky stars that no cops seemed to be in the mood to chase down determined psychotic blondes. Buffy squealed to a stop in front of Angel's home. She jogged up the steps and twisted the doorknob. Locked. Fuck.

She knocked on the door, before ringing the doorbell over and over again in quick succession. She really and truly had lost her mind and she didn't care. A light slammed on and a ruffled, sleepy looking Giles yanked open the door. He blinked at Buffy.

"Has war been declared, Ms. Summers?" He asked, leaning against his doorframe, clutching the ropes while tying his robe. Buffy smiled widely and moved past him and up the steps. She opened a door and noticed that Connor liked to flex in front of the mirror – naked. She squeaked and closed the door, Connor's cry echoing in her hearing range. She rolled her eyes and turned, opening the opposite door.

This one was most definitely Angel's room with the dark blues and reds, essence of black. The shower was on and then it wasn't. Buffy closed the door and crossed her arms, shifting her weight as she looked around. He liked to read. She noticed, if the bookshelves of books lining the wall were any indication.

A dark mahogany wooden desk sat in a far corner, a large bay window over his bed with a nightstand on either side of his bed. A few books stacked on one with a lamp placed on the other. It was all clean and neat. Not the room you expect a teenage boy to keep. She loved it.

The door opened and the light shone through, Angel froze in the doorway of the bathroom. Buffy barely took in his wet chest or the towel wrapped low on his hips. He was there and then she was moving, grabbing either side of his neck and pulling him down hastily placing an opened mouth kiss on his lips.

To her surprise and excitement, it was immediately reciprocated by him.

He turned and bent lifting her up, before wrapping her legs around his hips and pushing her into the door frame. The kiss was heated and passionate, sending flickers of hot white pleasure down her body and creating a clenching sensation in her womb.

She dug her nails into his right shoulder blade, while his hands trailed up her jean clad thighs going to grip her backside, pulling her closer. She whimpered, breaking from his mouth for the air that she cursed to hell and back. Thankfully, his lips didn't leave her. He placed soft kisses along her jaw, sucking and licking, teasing his way to her ear.

"You were sad." Buffy breathed, moving closer, her cheek pressed against his. Both of their breathing erratic. The hand that wasn't gripping her ass moved to brace himself on the wood above her head, his forehead dropping to her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I should have said something." He whispered and she licked her lips.

"I just didn't know what to say." He confessed and she nodded.

"I know. After Kate decided to slap me in the face with the obvious." Buffy said casually, dropping her forehead to rest on his shoulder.

"You're wrong, you know." He said after a beat.

"I wasn't a sad. I was fucking heartbroken. You are far, far too perfect to have gone through that shit and Buffy?" He asked, waiting and when she lifted her head to meet his gaze, he cupped her jaw.

"The fact that you went through that and came out stronger, because you did, baby. It only makes you more perfect in my eyes." He murmured and her eyes widened, his lips twitched into that crooked grin and he leaned forward, pressing a devastatingly sweet kiss to her lips.

"I'm not perfect. I'm broken." She said, pressing her forehead to his.

"No, just bent, but don't worry. I'm a little bent with you." He said and she pulled back, so that she could stare at him.

"One confession at a time, green eyes. This week was you. We'll deal with me in a month or so . . ." he trailed off and she giggled, cupping his cheeks.

"Oh, so you're going to make me beg for it, are ya?" She asked, going to wrap her arms around his neck and he grinned broadly.

"Perhaps." He teased and she pressed her mouth to his on a smile.

Their moment was cut off by a rather harsh clearing of the throat. Both looked toward the door to see Connor standing there, glaring with his arms crossed. Buffy sighed.

"Ever heard of knocking?!" Connor yelled and Buffy pressed her lips together.

"Ever heard of a 'do not disturb sign' or a lock?" She returned and he opened it closed his mouth several times before growling, he turned on his heel going to leave, before immediately turning back around.

"I am so happy for you, by the motherfucking way!" He growled and slammed the door shut. Buffy and Angel stared at it for a moment before bursting into laughter.

"What the fuck?" Angel laughed and Buffy shrugged.

"I kind of walked in on a private moment." Buffy winced and Angel cocked an eyebrow.

"Really?" He questioned and she nodded.

"Yeah." Before he could ask, Buffy moved and pressed her lips to his. Effectively cutting him off. Her only thought was – _finally_.


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note :**

 **Dear wonderful reader's,**

 **I've decided that** ** _Broken_** **is complete. Now that doesn't mean that Buffy and Angel's story has to end here. I would be willing to write a sequel of sorts if you all want . . . So let me know on that :)**

 **I want to thank every single one of my reviewers, followers, readers, and anyone else who decided to give this story a chance. It was one of my very firsts and it means so much to me that so many people enjoyed it! I am so grateful to all of you who took the time to read.**

 **In my mind this part of Angel and Buffy's story is complete. You watched them connect, lose, and clear up some misunderstandings. And then there was finding out just what Buffy went through that night and her confession to Kate and Angel, and that's what I wanted. If any of you lovely people want more, just PM me or set a review. I usually check it daily or at least weekly.**

 **It's been a really fun ride! Bye for now ;)**


	28. Chapter 28

**Author's Note:**

 **SEQUEL IS UP LOVELIES!**

 **It's called** ** _Damage_** **.**

 **Summary:**

 **You all watched Buffy go through her secrets and hide things from the ones she loves. Now, it's Angel's turn. What is he hiding from Buffy? What lies will he tell to keep the truth hidden? Will their love survive the demons in Angel's past? Come and find out.**

 **Now, guys, I seriously have chosen a rather horrible, awful past for our Angel, but if he didn't have one of those, then he wouldn't be Angel right? So, go read and review!**


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